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  • A Mans Story

    I met my wife who was a single mum of 3 boys in 1997 and we married later that year in December. Over the years I was to become a father of 2 more boys.

    On the 17th of October 2007 at   2:45pm I collapsed at the farm I worked on paralysed on the right side with a high temperature of 40.9 c (105 F) I was found about an hour and a half afterwards and taken to hospital where I was to stay for the next 52 days. I was eventually diagnosed with viral encephalitis and I was to relearn to walk and do many things that we take for granted…such as walking, getting out of a chair and showering.

    The virus affected my strength, noticeably my right side. I had problems with my right leg that would often freeze up and stay dead for a period of time between 10 seconds to a few hours. I developed uncontrollable shakes if I was to over exercise and had chronic fatigue where I would need to sleep after  10 – 15 minutes in the gym. Another symptom that was even more disturbing was the partial amnesia that caused me to forget many significant things from my past. For example I was to walk into my sister in laws home and remark on their new kitchen…only to be informed that it was 3 years old and I had been in it many times before. Another time I asked a friend how his sisters kids were…only to be informed that one of the kids had drowned at least 10 years previously… I had known this, but it was new information to me…

    Another side effect is that it affected me in that I cannot remember lists…if you tell me 3 things to do I will only be able to remember 1 or 2 of them.

    Upon release from hospital I was given a walking stick and was  supposed to acquire a shower stool to make sure I was able to shower safely. The cost was $65 to buy one and my wife said that I would have to cope without one as we couldnt afford it.A rehabilitation nurse came to visit the home and sat both of us down and explained the processes needed to be put into place to make sure I managed fatigue and mobility issues… the major one with Christmas coming up that I would have to go shopping in a wheel chair.

    The morning we went to go Christmas shopping I asked my wife if I could have some money to buy the kids some presents. She replied to me, “No… a real man would not be begging his wife for money….a real man would be out earning his own”

    This remark cut deep to my heart. It struck deep into the very core of my identity as a man. I was struggling with the major life changes that had happened to me and it was as if she had belted me with a lump of 4*2 in the inner man.  I remember saying a prayer that went like this, Lord I know you heard every thing that just happened…all I want is some money  to buy some presents for the family…We went shopping and I met a man from church who said to me, Craig, I”m glad I met you today, I have carried this around for you and he gave me $100. When I told my wife what happened she wanted me to hand it over to her saying, You dont deserve to have any money, you have to give it to me.

    I replied that I was going to use it to bless the boys over the Christmas Holidays and use it to see a movie or something else.

    Over the next 12 months I was to hear this comment about not being a real man many times in many varied forms. I slowly gained some strength and resumed my interest in woodwork and slowly made some kids furniture. Tables, chairs and toys. I was only able to manage about 40 minutes a day in the garage and so progress was slow..but over a couple of months I made a few things and decided to try and sell some at a local market. Nothing sold, but I was asked to make a book shelf for some people who were ok about the extended time it would take me to build it.

    I started to make the book shelf using the materials I had in the garage and needed to get some more from the hardware to finish it… I asked my wife for some money to go and get the materials I needed and was told…You have a garage full of stuff…use what you have…I’m not giving you a cent… a real man would have made some money selling what he made by now…

    I replied saying I didn’t have what I needed mainly being some sandpaper, putty, the right screws and stain and that I wouldn’t be able to finish it without those materials… a week later she told me…I have the utmost contempt for you… you promised these people a bookshelf and you won’t finish it… a real man would finish what he began… I replied about how I could finish it within the week if she gave me some money to do so and she said..No go and earn your own money…be a real man and go and get a real job

    I was told many times that I was cursed by God, that he didn’t hear my prayers. On two occasions she organised some people to come around to exorcise the devil from me, telling me a few minutes before they come what she had done….

    I was slowly manipulated and ostracised from family and friends. Often told that even my family didn’t want anything to do with me, nor did my friends. For me to shower safely I would sit on the shower floor…one day she came to the shower door telling me that I was only acting, that the doctors didn’t know what they were on about, that there was nothing wrong with me. She knew better and she was going to force me to go and work and be a real man whether I liked it or not.( In 12 years of marriage my wife had never worked until I fell sick)

    Her words were like bullets entering into me…the barage of words striking me deep and I curled into a fetal position crying out to God to make her stop, that I couldn’t handle her words and actions any more.

    I also suffered some level of post traumatic stress and depression. I would often wake up of a night with dreams that I was paralysed and unable to move or call out for help, having flash backs of the time I collapsed. My doctor gave me some antidepressants which I tried, but couldn’t handle the taste.. and went off them within the week. I actually felt better about talking about the issues of being sick with another guy at church…though I was not able to talk about the way my wife was treating me.

    I was thinking about writing a book and started to plan and plot a kids book with the boys. Again my wife said..who are you to write a book, you’re not good enough to write a book. She would often tear up my writings, come and stand over me and throw things at me, often threatening that one day she would stab me with a knife.

    Eventually she did hit me, punching me in the head. I became so frightened of her that I could only bear to talk to her for a few minutes before fearing she would go into one of her rages. Eventually I sat down with our church pastor and told him what was going on and he laughed at me saying he didn’t believe things were as bad as they were, but they would pay for us to have counselling.

    At counselling I would share what was going on and my wife would sit there saying I was lying and mentally ill…then on the way home would verbally abuse me for mentioning what was going on sayingit was none of the counsellors business….that it was me who needed fixing up not her. The counsellor gave us some homework to do in the form of journelling a letter and in it tell each other exactly what it was we wanted to say to each other… with strict instructions that we were not to read each others letters….

    My wife found mine and ripped it out of the journal and gave it to the ladies and elders at church to read saying look at the letter I had written to her… it was from this point that I was ostracised by the church….I was thinking of resuming some study at a bible college and thought perhaps I could get a room at the college. My pastor got wind of what I was thinking and rang me saying…Craig..I’m good friends with the college president and I will make sure if you leave your family that you will never be able to minister within our organisation ever again…and you will not be allowed to continue any study what so ever..

    This tore me apart inside. I had no money. Even though I was on government benefits my wife took all of it. I had nowhere to go… and I was dying inside. I was like a ball of lead. I had no joy. There were times that I thought of taking my life, though I made the decision no matter what I would not do that….as I had only the year before set up a shire wide suicide prevention and awareness network and had counselled a few people over the years from doing so…

    Finally a crunch came where I was bitten on the wrist…deep to the bone. In trying to restrain my wife from harming me further I shoved her and she fell hitting her head on the couch. She rang the police about my abusing her and on their arrival ranted about my mental illness and she had my anti depressant tablets to prove it… when the police heard my story and asked if that was right she said yes…and then they asked me if I wanted her charged with assualt and again I said no! … on their suggestion to move out of the house I threw some things into my Kia Pregio van and moved out of the house and lived in the back of my van for the next 5 or so weeks.

    I tried the department of housing..they put me on a waiting list and I am still waiting a year later for a house to be made available. There was no where for me to turn…and so I became numb, barely able to live. Suffering from mobility, fatigue and memory problems combined with the issues involved from being abused for so long and I became a recluse.

    As a man who suffered domestic violence I found there was no where for me to turn. Few people believed me. The public brochures that the nsw government department have dealing  with domestic abuse make out that it is the man who is the abuser…the other brochure talking about abuse in society says…”Women, children and others…” are liable to suffer abuse…. the question I ask is…who are the others?

  • The Truth About Domestic Violence

    It is a crime if someone physically hurts or threatens you. No one has the right to hurt you, even if that person is a spouse, child, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent or partner.

    YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIOLENCE:

    Batterers often blame their abusive behavior on drugs or alcohol, stress, childhood abuse, or their partner. As a result, you may have feelings of isolation, fear, shame, and hopelessness.

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE:

    There are people who are concerned about you and want to help. We hope this information is part of the beginning of a safe future for you and your children.

    READ THE TRUTH:

    I am not to blame for being beaten and abused

    I have a right NOT to be abused

    I am not the cause

    of another's violent behavior.

    I have a right to be angry over past beatings.

    I do not like or want it.

    I do not want my children to grow up to batter

    or be battered.

    I have a right to leave

    this battering environment.

    I have a right to be in a safe, nonviolent home.

    I have a right to provide a healthy environment

    for myself and my children.

    I do not have to accept physical, emotional,

    sexual, psychological, or financial abuse.

    I have the right to make mistakes.

    I have the right to believe

    that I have a good memory

    and can remember events.

    I have the right to have a partner

    who is sexually faithful.

    I have the right to participate in the process

    of making rules that will affect my life.

     The Truth About Domestic Violence:

    Domestic violence is an escalating pattern of abuse where one partner in an intimate relationship controls the other through force, intimidation, or the threat of violence. Abuse comes in many forms:

    Physical:

    Kicking, punching, shoving, slapping, pushing, and any other acts which hurt your body.

    Sexual:

    Calling you vulgar names, criticizing your body parts or sensuality, forced or pressured sexual acts, including rape.

    Emotional:

    Assaults against your self-esteem.

    Verbal:

    Name-calling, threats, put-downs.

    Psychological:

    Causing you to feel as if you are "going crazy".

    Spiritual:

    Attacking your spiritual or religious beliefs.

    Financial:

    Controlling and manipulating you by threatening your economic status and basic needs.

    Homophobic:

    Threatening to "out" you to people who do not know your sexual orientation.

    Immigration:

    Using your immigration status and fear of deportation to control you.

    Destructive Acts:

    *Actual or threatened assault of your property or pets to scare you.

    * A woman is beaten every nine seconds in the United States. Domestic violence is the most under-reported crime in the country, with the actual incidence 10 times higher than is reported.

    * Eighty percent of children who live in homes where domestic violence occurs witness the abuse.

    * Lesbian and gay domestic violence occurs in approximately one-third of these relationships, about as often as in heterosexual relationships.

    * On average, four women are murdered every day by their male partner in the U.S. According to the District Office, there were 21 deaths as a result of domestic violence in Santa Clara County in 1995.

    * Women in the U.S. are in nine times more danger in their own homes than they are in the street.

    * According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 95 percent of reported spousal assaults are committed by men against women. Assaults committed by women against men occur in approximately 5 to 10 percent of domestic violence matters.

    * About 17 percent of women report experiencing physical or sexual violence during pregnancy.

    *Battering prior to pregnancy is the primary predictor that battering will occur during pregnancy.

    Domestic violence is one of the nation's best kept secrets. Myths and misunderstandings abound. Knowing the facts is an important step toward breaking the cycle of violence.

    Fact:

    Almost four million women are beaten in their homes every year by their male partners. Although the first violent incident may not be severe, once battering begins, it tends to increase in severity and frequency, sometimes leading to permanent injury or death. What may begin as an occasional slap or shove will turn into a pushy down the stairs, a punch in the face, or a kick in the stomach.

    Fact:

    Battering is not about anger or losing control; it is an intentional choice focused on maintaining power and control in the relationship. Batterers manage not to beat their bosses or terrorize their friends when they are angry.

    Fact:

    The batterer is responsible for the violence – not the victim. People are beaten for breaking an egg yolk while fixing breakfast, for wearing their hair a certain way, for dressing to nicely or not nicely enough, for cooking the wrong meal, or any other number of excuses. These incidents do not warrant or provoke violence. Even when you disagree, you do not deserve to be beaten. People who are battered do not want to be beaten.

    Fact:

    Violence does occur in same sex relationships, and the issues of power and control are similar to those found in heterosexual relationships. Homophobia allows us to trivialize the violence in same sex relationships and compounds the effects of the violence for the victim.

    Fact:

    Substance abuse is involved in about half of all domestic violence incidents. Although drugs or alcohol may lower a person's self-control, they do not cause violence. Batterers often use drugs or alcohol as an excuse or permission to batter and to avoid responsibility for their abuse.

    Fact:

    Because violence inflicted upon a woman by her partner is treated much differently than violence inflicted by a stranger, batterers are not always arrested. Traditionally, police were more likely to file a report if the offender was a stranger, rather than an intimate partner.

    Fact:

    Battering crosses all economic, educational, ethnic, sexual orientation, age, and racial lines in equal proportions. There is no "typical" victim.

    Fact:

    Batterers generally lead "normal" lives except for their unwillingness to stop their violence and controlling behavior in their intimate relationships. 

    People stay with abusive partners for many different reasons. By understanding these reasons, you can explore your options for living a violence-free life and avoid feelings of guilt and isolation:

    * You fear you will be beaten more severely. Your batterer has threatened to find and kill or harm you, your children, and your family.

    * You depend on the batterer for shelter, food, and other necessities.

    * You have no one to talk to who understands and believes you.

    * You believe your children need two parents, and you don't want to raise them alone.

    * You want to keep the family together and live up to your religious commitment to remain with your partner.

    * You fear that you won't be able to take care of yourself and your children alone.

    * You want to stand by your partner and be loyal to the relationship.

    * Your partner has threatened to commit suicide if you leave.

    * You believe that things will get better.

    * You believe that no one else will love you.

    * You fear your family and friends will be ashamed of you.

    * You feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated and don't want anyone to know what is happening.

    * You think others will believe that you are "low class" or stupid for staying as long as you already have.

    * You believe that you need to be in a relationship to feel like a complete person.

    * You fear that you will be deported or that your children will be taken out of the country.

    * If you are in a same sex relationship, you fear that you will be "outed" or that no one will believe you.

    * Your job is to make the relationship work, and if it does not work, you are to blame.

    * If you stay, you can "save" the batterer and help him or her get better.

    It is a myth that people don't leave violent relationships. Many leave an average of five to seven times before they are able to leave permanently. You are in greater danger from your partner's abuse when you leave. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. Whether you decide to remain with your abusive partner or leave, it is important for you to plan for your safety.


    Children and Domestic Violence...

    * Children who live in a home where battering occurs are likely to experience a variety of negative effects and problems.

    * Children may be injured during an incident of violence, may suffer feelings of helplessness, may blame themselves for not preventing the violence or for causing it, and may be abused or neglected themselves.

    * Children in violent homes face a dual threat: witnessing traumatic events and the threat of physical assault.

    * Children living with domestic violence experience unnaturally high levels of anxiety.

    * Children may suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (similar to what war veterans suffer) even after a single incident.

    * Children exposed to domestic violence often experience difficulties in school.

    * Children living in violent homes have more frequent incidents of truancy, theft, insomnia, temper tantrums, and violence toward others than children raised in a non-violent atmosphere.

    * Studies indicate that boys exposed to family violence tend to be overly aggressive and disruptive.

    * Studies show that girls who are exposed to family violence tend to withdraw and behave more passively than girls not exposed to violence.

    * Children who live in abusive homes have a higher risk of juvenile delinquency and substance abuse.

    It is extremely important for children who live in violent homes to have a simple safety plan...

    * Warn children to stay out of the adults’ conflicts.

    *  Make a list of people the children and you can trust and talk to when they are feeling unsafe such as neighbors, teachers, relatives and friends.

    * Decide ahead of time on a safe place the children can go to when they feel unsafe.

    * Teach the children how to use the telephone and cell phone to call police and other emergency service phone numbers.

    The Power and Control Wheel…

    Definition and Dynamics:

    Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive control of one person over another in an intimate relationship. In short, domestic violence is about power and control. Domestic violence affects the totality of a woman’s life. 

    4 types of abuse:

    Abuse falls into 4 categories and takes many forms. Here are a few examples:

    1: •Physical – hitting, shoving, choking, burning, punching-  and the ultimate which is murder.

    2: •Emotional - isolation; putting her /him down; blaming her/him  for everything; calling her/him names; making her/him feel like she is crazy; threatening her/him.

    3: •Financial - making her/him work; not letting her/him work; harassing her/him at work; hiding money and assets; using all the resources for himself/her.

    4: •Sexual - raping her/him; forcing her/him into other sexual activity; demeaning her/him sexually.

    Myths and Facts on Domestic Violence:

    * Myth: Domestic violence only affects certain groups of women/men.

    * Fact: Domestic violence affects women/men of all racial, social and economic groups.

    * Myth: Domestic violence is caused by alcohol, stress, losing control of one's emotions, or poor communication between couples.

    * Fact: Domestic violence is when one person uses power and control over another in an intimate relationship context. Factors such as alcohol abuse or stress may be an excuse for the violence, but do not cause domestic violence.

    * Myth: Women/men stay with men/women who are abusive because they have low self-esteem; because they were raised in an abusive home; because they are not educated; or because they enjoy it.

    * Fact: Women/men stay because leaving is dangerous and difficult. Women/men actively seek support. They do not always get help when they do pursue it. Studies have shown that when the number of services for women/men have gone up in communities, the number of women/men who kill their abusers goes down.

    * Myth: The violence ends when women/men leave.

    * Fact: Women/men are more likely to be killed by an abuser while they are leaving or after they have left. Separation violence, stalking and harassment are a real and dangerous part of domestic violence.

    Statics:

    Did you know that...

    * Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the United States - greater than car accidents and muggings combined.

    * A woman is battered every 15 seconds in the United States.

    * Between 85%-95% of domestic violence victims are women.

    * The health related costs of domestic violence exceed $5.8 billion each year.

    * Approximately 1 in 3 adolescent girls in the United States is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse in a dating relationship.

    * On average 3 to 4 women are killed everyday by their husbands or partners.

    The Equality Wheel…

    Equality is the basis of a positive relationship between two partners. Each spoke of the wheel (eg. trust, respect, honesty) strengthens the commitment of two people towards a healthy respectful relationship which includes good communication, a safe home, and especially non-violence.

    Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence...

    Alcohol or drug use is present in an estimated 65 to 80 percent of all domestic violence incidents. Families affected by domestic violence typically experience a higher rate of alcohol and or drug use than families not affected by battering.

    While the batterer may blame substance use for the battering, it is important to know that alcohol and drugs do not causeviolence; however, the violence and abuse may be more severe during use. Domestic violence and substance abuse are two different problems and each requires specialized intervention.

    Teen Dating Violence...

    Are you involved in a dating relationship that is abusive or is potentially abusive? Ask yourself these questions:

    * Is your partner jealous or possessive?

    * Does your partner dislike your friends?

    * Does your partner not let you have friends?

    * Does your partner have a "quick temper"?

    * Does your partner have traditional ideas of gender roles?

    * Does your partner try to control you or make all the decisions?

    * Do you worry about how your partner will react to things you do or say?

    * Do you get a lot of negative verbal teasing from your partner?

    * Are you comfortable with your partner's "playful" slaps and shoves?

    * Does your partner's behavior change if he/she drinks or uses drugs?

    * Does your partner pressure you to use drugs or alcohol?

    * Do you feel it is your responsibility to make the relationship work?

    * Are you afraid of what your partner might do if he/she becomes angry?

    * Are you afraid to end the relationship?

    * Do you believe your partner will not accept breaking up?

    * Does your partner blame you when he/she mistreats you?

    Parents: Signs of Dating Violence:

    * Your teen has bruises, bite marks, black eyes or other unexplained physical injuries.

    * Your teen is unwilling to discuss her or his dating relationship.

    * Your teen is withdrawn.

    * Your teen is spending a lot of time alone.

    If you are the victim of a juvenile batterer:

    * Talk to your parents, if you can, or decide which friend, teacher, relative, or police officer you can tell.

    * Telephone the Probation Department and ask to speak with the assigned probation officer.

    * If the juvenile batterer is appearing in court, you have the right to be notified, to be present in court, to submit a statement to the Court, in person or in writing, and to have a support person present.

    * Contact an advocate to help you make a safety plan and to decide if you should get a restraining order.

    * As a minor, you can get a restraining order. A judge will decide if your parents should be notified. For help with a restraining order, contact an advocate .

    "Red Flags" Of A Battering Personality:

    If you are uncertain whether your partner is abusive or if you want to be able to tell at the beginning of the relationship if the other person has the potential to become abusive, there are behaviors you can look for, including the following:

    1. JEALOUSY: An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.

    2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are "late" coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

    3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many domestic violence victims only knew their abuser for a few months before they were living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming "you're the only person I could ever talk to" and "I've never felt loved like this by anyone". Abusers are generally very charming at the beginning of the relationship. You will be pressured to commit in such a way that later you may feel very guilty if you want to slow down involvement or break up. If you are newly out, be careful; abusers often target those they know are new to the GLBT community because it is a time when you are vulnerable and may not know very many people in the community.

    4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like "if you love me, I'm all you need and you're all I need". You are supposed to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically.

    5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a "whore", a "slut" or "cheating". If you are close to family, you're "tied to the apron strings". The abuser will accuses people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

    6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can't concentrate on their work. They will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

    7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: Abusive people will tell you, "you made me mad" and "I can't help being angry".  Although they actually makes the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the "victim" in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.

    8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.

    9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people's children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children.

    10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to "make up" by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.

    11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel, this can be seen when the abuser degrades or curses you, belittling any of your accomplishments. They may say accuse you of not being a "real" lesbian or gay man. If you aren't out, they may threaten to out you to family members or your employer. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without them. They may wake you up to verbally abuse you, or not let you go to sleep.

    12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Abusers expect the partner to play the "female" role; to serve them, and insists that you obey them in all things. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of everything they have done for you.

    13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abuser's sudden changes in mood, and may think it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Many victims feel if their partner would just quit drinking or using drugs, the violence would stop. This is usually not the case. Abusive people continue the abuse, even after they stop using alcohol or drugs, unless they also seek help for their abusive behavior.

    14. PAST BATTERING: These people say they have hit a partner in the past, but the previous partner made them do it. You may hear from relatives or ex partners that the person has been abusive. A batterer will beat any person they are with if they are with that person long enough for violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

    15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", "I'll break your neck". Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will say "everyone talks like that", or "it didn't mean anything".

    16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist or throw objects around. This is not only a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but indicates great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.

    17.ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, "You're going to listen to me!".
    (adapted)

    Thank you for reading,

    Info Dogg


    IF YOU THINK YOUR IN DANGER CALL 911

  • What is domestic violence?

    Domestic violence -- also called intimate partner abuse, intimate partner violence, and domestic abuse -- takes many forms. Maltreatment that takes place in the context of any romantic relationship is abuse as described by the above specific terms. It therefore affects men, women, or teen girls and boys, whether in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship. Intimate partner violence may consist of one or more forms, including emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, or economic abuse and is defined as one person in an intimate relationship using any means to control the other. Types of domestic abuse include physical, verbal (also called emotional, mental, or psychological abuse), sexual, economic/financial, and spiritual abuse. Stalking and cyber-stalking are also forms of intimate partner abuse.

    Physical violence includes assault of any kind, ranging from pinching or pushing to choking, shooting, stabbing, and murder. Verbal, emotional, mental, or psychological abuse is described as using words to criticize, demean, or otherwise decrease the confidence of the victim. Sexual abuse refers to any behavior that uses sex to control or demean the victim, like intimidating the victim into engaging in unsafe sex or sexual practices in which he or she does not want to participate. Economic or financial abuse is described as limiting the victim's financial freedom or security. Spiritual abusers either force the victim to participate in the batterer's religious practices instead of their own or to raise mutual children in a religion that the victim is not in favor of. Stalking refers to repeatedly harassing and threatening behavior, including showing up at the victim's home or workplace, placing harassing phone calls, voicemail, email or postal mail messages or objects, or vandalizing the victim's property. It is usually committed by perpetrators of other forms of domestic violence.

    Domestic violence is a major public-health problem in that it affects millions of people and often results in physical and emotional injuries and even deaths. Media reporting of celebrities like Rihanna's domestic abuse victimization demonstrates that even the most accomplished individual can fall victim to this problem. The statistics about those who are affected by intimate partner violence are staggering; domestic abuse affects 3%-5% of current adult relationships in the United States, including more than 2 million women. Despite the myth that violence against men does not occur, 800,000 men are victims of intimate partner abuse. Nearly one-third of women can expect to be the victim of intimate partner violence sometime in their lifetime. About 25% of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) individuals are victims of intimate partner abuse, just as often as are heterosexual women. As of 2000, about 8 million incidents of domestic violence occurred in one year in the United States, and 20.2% of women visiting family practice clinics have been found to be experiencing intimate partner violence. About 1,300 deaths were attributed to domestic abuse as of 2003.

    Teen intimate partner abuse takes place at an alarming rate. Facts about domestic violence in this group include that as many as 12% of youth in grades 7 through 12 have been victims of physical dating violence, and 20% of youth have suffered from psychological dating violence. This abuse puts victims in danger of practicing risky sexual behavior, unhealthy eating, drug use, suicidal behaviors, as well as physical injury and death. These victims are also more likely to become sufferers of intimate partner violence as adults.

    GLBT people often face unique challenges when trying to cope with domestic-abuse victimization. The assumption by family, friends, coworkers, and professionals that abuse is mutual in homosexual couples or is an expected part of what is perceived as a dysfunctional relationship since it is not heterosexual, poses major obstacles to battered GLBT individuals in getting help. Other barriers for GLBT battered men and women include the fear of losing their jobs, home, and/or custody of their children should their sexual orientation become known in the context of getting help for intimate partner abuse. That GLBT individuals do not receive the legal and financial protections their heterosexual counterparts do can inhibit their ability to support themselves and live independently after leaving the abuser. Discrimination against GLBT people and other minorities is also a deterrent to receiving care. Another formidable obstacle includes a lack of knowing other admitted GLBT victims of domestic violence, as well as the smallness of the community, which can make it difficult for battered men and women in the GLBT community to live anonymously from their abuser in the same town.

    There tends to be a cycle of behavior, known as the cycle of violence, in abusive adult relationships. That cycle includes the tension-building, explosive, and tranquility/honeymoon stages. The tension-building stage is described as the phase of the abusive relationship in which the abuser tends to engage in lower-level abuse, like pushing, insulting, and escalating demands for control. Simultaneously, the victim of abuse tends to try to appease the abuser in an effort to avoid worsening of the abuse. Acts of abuse escalate to a severe level during the explosive stage of intimate partner violence, manifesting as the most overt and serious acts of abuse and control, like slapping, punching, rape, or inhibiting the movements of the victim. The tranquility or honeymoon stage of the cycle of domestic violence tends to immediately follow the overt acts of aggression of the explosive stage and is usually characterized by the abuser seeming to be quite remorseful and apologetic for the abuse, making promises that it will never happen again and showering the victim with affection.

  • Preparedness information

    Make a safety plan

    There’s more then one type of safety plan so let’s begin with this one shall we.

    CREATE A SAFETY PLAN FOR YOUR WORKPLACE!

    When you enter and leave your work always have someone escort you to your vehicle or other transportation.

    If you and your abuser work at the same place discuss with YOUR supervisor your options regarding scheduling, safety precautions and 

    employee/family benefits to YOU if you and your abuser are on the same benefit plan and ask about kids if they are involved. Additionally contact your local domestic violence victims services program.

    SAFETY AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH:

    Get Support. Call a domestic violence crisis help-line and/or attend a victims support group for at least 2 weeks to gain support from others and to learn more about yourself and the relationship with the abuser. 

    Do what is safe for you. If you have to communicate with the abuser and you might. Arrange to do so in a way that makes YOU feel safe. It could be by mail, phone, email or in the company of another person. 

    Safety And Your Children:

    Tell Schools And Childcare. Let them know who has permission to pick up the child/children. Make a special code word between you and the kid or kids. One the abuser or friends of the abuser or anyone YOU do not trust will not know.

    Have A Safe Place for The Child Or Children To go:

    Find a safe place for the kid or kids to visit in case you are running late or emergency arises. Many communities have places like this just for these situations and some communities have them specifically for just this purpose.

    YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE TO BE SAFE!

    While on the job.  Tell somebody! Decide whom at work you trust and inform them of your situation, especially if you have a Protection From Abuse Order (PFA). 

    This may include office security if available. Remember to provide a PICTURE of the ABUSER if possible. It is your Right to request and Expect Confidentiality from those you disclose to.

    Screen Your Calls. Arrange to have someone else screen and make a log of your telephone calls if possible. 

    Keep These Items With You At All Times. Use a backpack if needed. And backpacks are fashionable, cool and not unusual.

    1.Keys- house, car, office, friends, family any you might need.

    2.Medications, glasses, hearing aids and the batteries for them. Everything needed by you and your family daily. 

    3.Personal items you might need plus things like: your address book, pictures, cell phone, book and toys (kids get bored).

    4.Copies of your spouse’s green card, or social security card, Identification  or drivers license, passport and all immigration related documents.

    5.Benefit cards such as your Medical Insurance card, Dental Insurance card for you and kids and any others.

    Thank You,

    Info Dogg.

    IF YOU THINK YOUR IN DANGER CALL 911

  • Technology Safety Planning

    Tips to discuss if someone you know is in danger

    Technology can be very helpful to victims of domestic violence, sexual violence and stalking. However it is important to also consider how technology might be misused.

    1. Trust your instincts:

    If you suspect the abusive person knows too much it is possible that your phone, computer, email or other activities are being monitored. Abusers and stalkers can act in incredibly persistent and creative ways to maintain power and control.

    2. Plan for safety:

    Navigating violence, abuse and stalking is very difficult and dangerous. Make sure you talk to a professional trained in Domestic Violence and Safety Planning to help you make a plan for safety.

    3. Take precautions if you have a “techy” abuser:

    If computers and technology are a profession or hobby for the abuser/stalker trust your instincts. If you think he/she may be monitoring or tracking you talk to a crisis line advocate or the police.

    4. Use a safer computer:

    If anyone abusive has access to your computer he/she might be monitoring your computer activities. Try to use a safer computer when you look for help, a new place to live, etc. It may be safest to use a computer at a public library, community center or internet cafe.

    5. Create a new email account:

    If you suspect that anyone abusive can access your email, consider creating an additional email account on a safer computer. Do not create or check this new email from a computer your abuser could access in case it is monitored. Use an anonymous name and account: (example:bluecat@email.com, NOT YourRealName@email.com)Look for free web-based email accounts and do not provide detailed information about yourself.

    6. Check your cell phone settings:

    If you are using a cell phone provided by the abusive person consider turning it off when not in use. Also, many phones let you “LOCK” the keys so a phone won’t automatically answer a call if it is bumped.

    When on check the phone settings; if your phone has an optional location service you may want to switch the location feature off/on via phone settings or by turning your phone on and off.

    7. Change passwords and pin numbers:

    Some abusers use victim’s email and other accounts to impersonate and cause harm. If anyone abusive knows or could guess your passwords, change them quickly and frequently. Think about any password protected accounts such as online banking, voicemail, etc.

    8. Minimize use of cordless phones and baby monitors:

    If you don’t want others to overhear your conversations, turn baby monitors off when not in use and use a traditional corded phone for sensitive conversations.

    9. Use a new or donated cell phone:

    When making or receiving private calls or arranging an escape plan try not to use a shared or family cell phone because cell phone billing records and phone logs might reveal your plans to an abuser. Contact a Crisis Line to learn about donation programs that provide new cell phones and/or prepaid phone cards to victims of abuse and stalking.

    10. Ask about your records and data:

    Many court systems and government agencies are publishing records to the internet. Ask agencies how they protect or publish your records and request that court, government, post office and others seal or restrict access to your files to protect your safety.

    11. Get a private mailbox and don’t give out your real address:

    When asked by businesses, doctors and others for your address have a private mailbox address or a safer address to give them. Try to keep your true residential address out of national database.

    12. Search your name on the internet:

    Major search engines such as “Google” or “Yahoo” may have links to your contact information. Search for your name in quotation marks: “Full Name” Check phone directory pages because unlisted numbers might be listed if you have given the number to anyone.

    Please use this for informational purposes only and above all please be careful.

    Thank you,

    Info Dogg

    IF YOU THINK YOUR IN DANGER CALL 911


  • A Mans Story

    I met my wife who was a single mum of 3 boys in 1997 and we married later that year in December. Over the years I was to become a father of 2 more boys.

    On the 17th of October 2007 at   2:45pm I collapsed at the farm I worked on paralysed on the right side with a high temperature of 40.9 c (105 F) I was found about an hour and a half afterwards and taken to hospital where I was to stay for the next 52 days. I was eventually diagnosed with viral encephalitis and I was to relearn to walk and do many things that we take for granted…such as walking, getting out of a chair and showering.

    The virus affected my strength, noticeably my right side. I had problems with my right leg that would often freeze up and stay dead for a period of time between 10 seconds to a few hours. I developed uncontrollable shakes if I was to over exercise and had chronic fatigue where I would need to sleep after  10 – 15 minutes in the gym. Another symptom that was even more disturbing was the partial amnesia that caused me to forget many significant things from my past. For example I was to walk into my sister in laws home and remark on their new kitchen…only to be informed that it was 3 years old and I had been in it many times before. Another time I asked a friend how his sisters kids were…only to be informed that one of the kids had drowned at least 10 years previously… I had known this, but it was new information to me…

    Another side effect is that it affected me in that I cannot remember lists…if you tell me 3 things to do I will only be able to remember 1 or 2 of them.

    Upon release from hospital I was given a walking stick and was  supposed to acquire a shower stool to make sure I was able to shower safely. The cost was $65 to buy one and my wife said that I would have to cope without one as we couldnt afford it.A rehabilitation nurse came to visit the home and sat both of us down and explained the processes needed to be put into place to make sure I managed fatigue and mobility issues… the major one with Christmas coming up that I would have to go shopping in a wheel chair.

    The morning we went to go Christmas shopping I asked my wife if I could have some money to buy the kids some presents. She replied to me, “No… a real man would not be begging his wife for money….a real man would be out earning his own”

    This remark cut deep to my heart. It struck deep into the very core of my identity as a man. I was struggling with the major life changes that had happened to me and it was as if she had belted me with a lump of 4*2 in the inner man.  I remember saying a prayer that went like this, Lord I know you heard every thing that just happened…all I want is some money  to buy some presents for the family…We went shopping and I met a man from church who said to me, Craig, I”m glad I met you today, I have carried this around for you and he gave me $100. When I told my wife what happened she wanted me to hand it over to her saying, You dont deserve to have any money, you have to give it to me.

    I replied that I was going to use it to bless the boys over the Christmas Holidays and use it to see a movie or something else.

    Over the next 12 months I was to hear this comment about not being a real man many times in many varied forms. I slowly gained some strength and resumed my interest in woodwork and slowly made some kids furniture. Tables, chairs and toys. I was only able to manage about 40 minutes a day in the garage and so progress was slow..but over a couple of months I made a few things and decided to try and sell some at a local market. Nothing sold, but I was asked to make a book shelf for some people who were ok about the extended time it would take me to build it.

    I started to make the book shelf using the materials I had in the garage and needed to get some more from the hardware to finish it… I asked my wife for some money to go and get the materials I needed and was told…You have a garage full of stuff…use what you have…I’m not giving you a cent… a real man would have made some money selling what he made by now…

    I replied saying I didn’t have what I needed mainly being some sandpaper, putty, the right screws and stain and that I wouldn’t be able to finish it without those materials… a week later she told me…I have the utmost contempt for you… you promised these people a bookshelf and you won’t finish it… a real man would finish what he began… I replied about how I could finish it within the week if she gave me some money to do so and she said..No go and earn your own money…be a real man and go and get a real job

    I was told many times that I was cursed by God, that he didn’t hear my prayers. On two occasions she organised some people to come around to exorcise the devil from me, telling me a few minutes before they come what she had done….

    I was slowly manipulated and ostracised from family and friends. Often told that even my family didn’t want anything to do with me, nor did my friends. For me to shower safely I would sit on the shower floor…one day she came to the shower door telling me that I was only acting, that the doctors didn’t know what they were on about, that there was nothing wrong with me. She knew better and she was going to force me to go and work and be a real man whether I liked it or not.( In 12 years of marriage my wife had never worked until I fell sick)

    Her words were like bullets entering into me…the barage of words striking me deep and I curled into a fetal position crying out to God to make her stop, that I couldn’t handle her words and actions any more.

    I also suffered some level of post traumatic stress and depression. I would often wake up of a night with dreams that I was paralysed and unable to move or call out for help, having flash backs of the time I collapsed. My doctor gave me some antidepressants which I tried, but couldn’t handle the taste.. and went off them within the week. I actually felt better about talking about the issues of being sick with another guy at church…though I was not able to talk about the way my wife was treating me.

    I was thinking about writing a book and started to plan and plot a kids book with the boys. Again my wife said..who are you to write a book, you’re not good enough to write a book. She would often tear up my writings, come and stand over me and throw things at me, often threatening that one day she would stab me with a knife.

    Eventually she did hit me, punching me in the head. I became so frightened of her that I could only bear to talk to her for a few minutes before fearing she would go into one of her rages. Eventually I sat down with our church pastor and told him what was going on and he laughed at me saying he didn’t believe things were as bad as they were, but they would pay for us to have counselling.

    At counselling I would share what was going on and my wife would sit there saying I was lying and mentally ill…then on the way home would verbally abuse me for mentioning what was going on sayingit was none of the counsellors business….that it was me who needed fixing up not her. The counsellor gave us some homework to do in the form of journelling a letter and in it tell each other exactly what it was we wanted to say to each other… with strict instructions that we were not to read each others letters….

    My wife found mine and ripped it out of the journal and gave it to the ladies and elders at church to read saying look at the letter I had written to her… it was from this point that I was ostracised by the church….I was thinking of resuming some study at a bible college and thought perhaps I could get a room at the college. My pastor got wind of what I was thinking and rang me saying…Craig..I’m good friends with the college president and I will make sure if you leave your family that you will never be able to minister within our organisation ever again…and you will not be allowed to continue any study what so ever..

    This tore me apart inside. I had no money. Even though I was on government benefits my wife took all of it. I had nowhere to go… and I was dying inside. I was like a ball of lead. I had no joy. There were times that I thought of taking my life, though I made the decision no matter what I would not do that….as I had only the year before set up a shire wide suicide prevention and awareness network and had counselled a few people over the years from doing so…

    Finally a crunch came where I was bitten on the wrist…deep to the bone. In trying to restrain my wife from harming me further I shoved her and she fell hitting her head on the couch. She rang the police about my abusing her and on their arrival ranted about my mental illness and she had my anti depressant tablets to prove it… when the police heard my story and asked if that was right she said yes…and then they asked me if I wanted her charged with assualt and again I said no! … on their suggestion to move out of the house I threw some things into my Kia Pregio van and moved out of the house and lived in the back of my van for the next 5 or so weeks.

    I tried the department of housing..they put me on a waiting list and I am still waiting a year later for a house to be made available. There was no where for me to turn…and so I became numb, barely able to live. Suffering from mobility, fatigue and memory problems combined with the issues involved from being abused for so long and I became a recluse.

    As a man who suffered domestic violence I found there was no where for me to turn. Few people believed me. The public brochures that the nsw government department have dealing  with domestic abuse make out that it is the man who is the abuser…the other brochure talking about abuse in society says…”Women, children and others…” are liable to suffer abuse…. the question I ask is…who are the others?

  • The Truth About Domestic Violence

    It is a crime if someone physically hurts or threatens you. No one has the right to hurt you, even if that person is a spouse, child, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent or partner.

    YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIOLENCE:

    Batterers often blame their abusive behavior on drugs or alcohol, stress, childhood abuse, or their partner. As a result, you may have feelings of isolation, fear, shame, and hopelessness.

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE:

    There are people who are concerned about you and want to help. We hope this information is part of the beginning of a safe future for you and your children.

    READ THE TRUTH:

    I am not to blame for being beaten and abused

    I have a right NOT to be abused

    I am not the cause

    of another's violent behavior.

    I have a right to be angry over past beatings.

    I do not like or want it.

    I do not want my children to grow up to batter

    or be battered.

    I have a right to leave

    this battering environment.

    I have a right to be in a safe, nonviolent home.

    I have a right to provide a healthy environment

    for myself and my children.

    I do not have to accept physical, emotional,

    sexual, psychological, or financial abuse.

    I have the right to make mistakes.

    I have the right to believe

    that I have a good memory

    and can remember events.

    I have the right to have a partner

    who is sexually faithful.

    I have the right to participate in the process

    of making rules that will affect my life.

     The Truth About Domestic Violence:

    Domestic violence is an escalating pattern of abuse where one partner in an intimate relationship controls the other through force, intimidation, or the threat of violence. Abuse comes in many forms:

    Physical:

    Kicking, punching, shoving, slapping, pushing, and any other acts which hurt your body.

    Sexual:

    Calling you vulgar names, criticizing your body parts or sensuality, forced or pressured sexual acts, including rape.

    Emotional:

    Assaults against your self-esteem.

    Verbal:

    Name-calling, threats, put-downs.

    Psychological:

    Causing you to feel as if you are "going crazy".

    Spiritual:

    Attacking your spiritual or religious beliefs.

    Financial:

    Controlling and manipulating you by threatening your economic status and basic needs.

    Homophobic:

    Threatening to "out" you to people who do not know your sexual orientation.

    Immigration:

    Using your immigration status and fear of deportation to control you.

    Destructive Acts:

    *Actual or threatened assault of your property or pets to scare you.

    * A woman is beaten every nine seconds in the United States. Domestic violence is the most under-reported crime in the country, with the actual incidence 10 times higher than is reported.

    * Eighty percent of children who live in homes where domestic violence occurs witness the abuse.

    * Lesbian and gay domestic violence occurs in approximately one-third of these relationships, about as often as in heterosexual relationships.

    * On average, four women are murdered every day by their male partner in the U.S. According to the District Office, there were 21 deaths as a result of domestic violence in Santa Clara County in 1995.

    * Women in the U.S. are in nine times more danger in their own homes than they are in the street.

    * According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 95 percent of reported spousal assaults are committed by men against women. Assaults committed by women against men occur in approximately 5 to 10 percent of domestic violence matters.

    * About 17 percent of women report experiencing physical or sexual violence during pregnancy.

    *Battering prior to pregnancy is the primary predictor that battering will occur during pregnancy.

    Domestic violence is one of the nation's best kept secrets. Myths and misunderstandings abound. Knowing the facts is an important step toward breaking the cycle of violence.

    Fact:

    Almost four million women are beaten in their homes every year by their male partners. Although the first violent incident may not be severe, once battering begins, it tends to increase in severity and frequency, sometimes leading to permanent injury or death. What may begin as an occasional slap or shove will turn into a pushy down the stairs, a punch in the face, or a kick in the stomach.

    Fact:

    Battering is not about anger or losing control; it is an intentional choice focused on maintaining power and control in the relationship. Batterers manage not to beat their bosses or terrorize their friends when they are angry.

    Fact:

    The batterer is responsible for the violence – not the victim. People are beaten for breaking an egg yolk while fixing breakfast, for wearing their hair a certain way, for dressing to nicely or not nicely enough, for cooking the wrong meal, or any other number of excuses. These incidents do not warrant or provoke violence. Even when you disagree, you do not deserve to be beaten. People who are battered do not want to be beaten.

    Fact:

    Violence does occur in same sex relationships, and the issues of power and control are similar to those found in heterosexual relationships. Homophobia allows us to trivialize the violence in same sex relationships and compounds the effects of the violence for the victim.

    Fact:

    Substance abuse is involved in about half of all domestic violence incidents. Although drugs or alcohol may lower a person's self-control, they do not cause violence. Batterers often use drugs or alcohol as an excuse or permission to batter and to avoid responsibility for their abuse.

    Fact:

    Because violence inflicted upon a woman by her partner is treated much differently than violence inflicted by a stranger, batterers are not always arrested. Traditionally, police were more likely to file a report if the offender was a stranger, rather than an intimate partner.

    Fact:

    Battering crosses all economic, educational, ethnic, sexual orientation, age, and racial lines in equal proportions. There is no "typical" victim.

    Fact:

    Batterers generally lead "normal" lives except for their unwillingness to stop their violence and controlling behavior in their intimate relationships. 

    People stay with abusive partners for many different reasons. By understanding these reasons, you can explore your options for living a violence-free life and avoid feelings of guilt and isolation:

    * You fear you will be beaten more severely. Your batterer has threatened to find and kill or harm you, your children, and your family.

    * You depend on the batterer for shelter, food, and other necessities.

    * You have no one to talk to who understands and believes you.

    * You believe your children need two parents, and you don't want to raise them alone.

    * You want to keep the family together and live up to your religious commitment to remain with your partner.

    * You fear that you won't be able to take care of yourself and your children alone.

    * You want to stand by your partner and be loyal to the relationship.

    * Your partner has threatened to commit suicide if you leave.

    * You believe that things will get better.

    * You believe that no one else will love you.

    * You fear your family and friends will be ashamed of you.

    * You feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated and don't want anyone to know what is happening.

    * You think others will believe that you are "low class" or stupid for staying as long as you already have.

    * You believe that you need to be in a relationship to feel like a complete person.

    * You fear that you will be deported or that your children will be taken out of the country.

    * If you are in a same sex relationship, you fear that you will be "outed" or that no one will believe you.

    * Your job is to make the relationship work, and if it does not work, you are to blame.

    * If you stay, you can "save" the batterer and help him or her get better.

    It is a myth that people don't leave violent relationships. Many leave an average of five to seven times before they are able to leave permanently. You are in greater danger from your partner's abuse when you leave. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. Whether you decide to remain with your abusive partner or leave, it is important for you to plan for your safety.


    Children and Domestic Violence...

    * Children who live in a home where battering occurs are likely to experience a variety of negative effects and problems.

    * Children may be injured during an incident of violence, may suffer feelings of helplessness, may blame themselves for not preventing the violence or for causing it, and may be abused or neglected themselves.

    * Children in violent homes face a dual threat: witnessing traumatic events and the threat of physical assault.

    * Children living with domestic violence experience unnaturally high levels of anxiety.

    * Children may suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (similar to what war veterans suffer) even after a single incident.

    * Children exposed to domestic violence often experience difficulties in school.

    * Children living in violent homes have more frequent incidents of truancy, theft, insomnia, temper tantrums, and violence toward others than children raised in a non-violent atmosphere.

    * Studies indicate that boys exposed to family violence tend to be overly aggressive and disruptive.

    * Studies show that girls who are exposed to family violence tend to withdraw and behave more passively than girls not exposed to violence.

    * Children who live in abusive homes have a higher risk of juvenile delinquency and substance abuse.

    It is extremely important for children who live in violent homes to have a simple safety plan...

    * Warn children to stay out of the adults’ conflicts.

    *  Make a list of people the children and you can trust and talk to when they are feeling unsafe such as neighbors, teachers, relatives and friends.

    * Decide ahead of time on a safe place the children can go to when they feel unsafe.

    * Teach the children how to use the telephone and cell phone to call police and other emergency service phone numbers.

    The Power and Control Wheel…

    Definition and Dynamics:

    Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive control of one person over another in an intimate relationship. In short, domestic violence is about power and control. Domestic violence affects the totality of a woman’s life. 

    4 types of abuse:

    Abuse falls into 4 categories and takes many forms. Here are a few examples:

    1: •Physical – hitting, shoving, choking, burning, punching-  and the ultimate which is murder.

    2: •Emotional - isolation; putting her /him down; blaming her/him  for everything; calling her/him names; making her/him feel like she is crazy; threatening her/him.

    3: •Financial - making her/him work; not letting her/him work; harassing her/him at work; hiding money and assets; using all the resources for himself/her.

    4: •Sexual - raping her/him; forcing her/him into other sexual activity; demeaning her/him sexually.

    Myths and Facts on Domestic Violence:

    * Myth: Domestic violence only affects certain groups of women/men.

    * Fact: Domestic violence affects women/men of all racial, social and economic groups.

    * Myth: Domestic violence is caused by alcohol, stress, losing control of one's emotions, or poor communication between couples.

    * Fact: Domestic violence is when one person uses power and control over another in an intimate relationship context. Factors such as alcohol abuse or stress may be an excuse for the violence, but do not cause domestic violence.

    * Myth: Women/men stay with men/women who are abusive because they have low self-esteem; because they were raised in an abusive home; because they are not educated; or because they enjoy it.

    * Fact: Women/men stay because leaving is dangerous and difficult. Women/men actively seek support. They do not always get help when they do pursue it. Studies have shown that when the number of services for women/men have gone up in communities, the number of women/men who kill their abusers goes down.

    * Myth: The violence ends when women/men leave.

    * Fact: Women/men are more likely to be killed by an abuser while they are leaving or after they have left. Separation violence, stalking and harassment are a real and dangerous part of domestic violence.

    Statics:

    Did you know that...

    * Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the United States - greater than car accidents and muggings combined.

    * A woman is battered every 15 seconds in the United States.

    * Between 85%-95% of domestic violence victims are women.

    * The health related costs of domestic violence exceed $5.8 billion each year.

    * Approximately 1 in 3 adolescent girls in the United States is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse in a dating relationship.

    * On average 3 to 4 women are killed everyday by their husbands or partners.

    The Equality Wheel…

    Equality is the basis of a positive relationship between two partners. Each spoke of the wheel (eg. trust, respect, honesty) strengthens the commitment of two people towards a healthy respectful relationship which includes good communication, a safe home, and especially non-violence.

    Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence...

    Alcohol or drug use is present in an estimated 65 to 80 percent of all domestic violence incidents. Families affected by domestic violence typically experience a higher rate of alcohol and or drug use than families not affected by battering.

    While the batterer may blame substance use for the battering, it is important to know that alcohol and drugs do not causeviolence; however, the violence and abuse may be more severe during use. Domestic violence and substance abuse are two different problems and each requires specialized intervention.

    Teen Dating Violence...

    Are you involved in a dating relationship that is abusive or is potentially abusive? Ask yourself these questions:

    * Is your partner jealous or possessive?

    * Does your partner dislike your friends?

    * Does your partner not let you have friends?

    * Does your partner have a "quick temper"?

    * Does your partner have traditional ideas of gender roles?

    * Does your partner try to control you or make all the decisions?

    * Do you worry about how your partner will react to things you do or say?

    * Do you get a lot of negative verbal teasing from your partner?

    * Are you comfortable with your partner's "playful" slaps and shoves?

    * Does your partner's behavior change if he/she drinks or uses drugs?

    * Does your partner pressure you to use drugs or alcohol?

    * Do you feel it is your responsibility to make the relationship work?

    * Are you afraid of what your partner might do if he/she becomes angry?

    * Are you afraid to end the relationship?

    * Do you believe your partner will not accept breaking up?

    * Does your partner blame you when he/she mistreats you?

    Parents: Signs of Dating Violence:

    * Your teen has bruises, bite marks, black eyes or other unexplained physical injuries.

    * Your teen is unwilling to discuss her or his dating relationship.

    * Your teen is withdrawn.

    * Your teen is spending a lot of time alone.

    If you are the victim of a juvenile batterer:

    * Talk to your parents, if you can, or decide which friend, teacher, relative, or police officer you can tell.

    * Telephone the Probation Department and ask to speak with the assigned probation officer.

    * If the juvenile batterer is appearing in court, you have the right to be notified, to be present in court, to submit a statement to the Court, in person or in writing, and to have a support person present.

    * Contact an advocate to help you make a safety plan and to decide if you should get a restraining order.

    * As a minor, you can get a restraining order. A judge will decide if your parents should be notified. For help with a restraining order, contact an advocate .

    "Red Flags" Of A Battering Personality:

    If you are uncertain whether your partner is abusive or if you want to be able to tell at the beginning of the relationship if the other person has the potential to become abusive, there are behaviors you can look for, including the following:

    1. JEALOUSY: An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.

    2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are "late" coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

    3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many domestic violence victims only knew their abuser for a few months before they were living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming "you're the only person I could ever talk to" and "I've never felt loved like this by anyone". Abusers are generally very charming at the beginning of the relationship. You will be pressured to commit in such a way that later you may feel very guilty if you want to slow down involvement or break up. If you are newly out, be careful; abusers often target those they know are new to the GLBT community because it is a time when you are vulnerable and may not know very many people in the community.

    4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like "if you love me, I'm all you need and you're all I need". You are supposed to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically.

    5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a "whore", a "slut" or "cheating". If you are close to family, you're "tied to the apron strings". The abuser will accuses people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

    6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can't concentrate on their work. They will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

    7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: Abusive people will tell you, "you made me mad" and "I can't help being angry".  Although they actually makes the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the "victim" in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.

    8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.

    9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people's children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children.

    10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to "make up" by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.

    11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel, this can be seen when the abuser degrades or curses you, belittling any of your accomplishments. They may say accuse you of not being a "real" lesbian or gay man. If you aren't out, they may threaten to out you to family members or your employer. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without them. They may wake you up to verbally abuse you, or not let you go to sleep.

    12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Abusers expect the partner to play the "female" role; to serve them, and insists that you obey them in all things. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of everything they have done for you.

    13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abuser's sudden changes in mood, and may think it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Many victims feel if their partner would just quit drinking or using drugs, the violence would stop. This is usually not the case. Abusive people continue the abuse, even after they stop using alcohol or drugs, unless they also seek help for their abusive behavior.

    14. PAST BATTERING: These people say they have hit a partner in the past, but the previous partner made them do it. You may hear from relatives or ex partners that the person has been abusive. A batterer will beat any person they are with if they are with that person long enough for violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

    15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", "I'll break your neck". Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will say "everyone talks like that", or "it didn't mean anything".

    16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist or throw objects around. This is not only a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but indicates great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.

    17.ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, "You're going to listen to me!".
    (adapted)

    Thank you for reading,

    Info Dogg


    IF YOU THINK YOUR IN DANGER CALL 911

  • What is domestic violence?

    Domestic violence -- also called intimate partner abuse, intimate partner violence, and domestic abuse -- takes many forms. Maltreatment that takes place in the context of any romantic relationship is abuse as described by the above specific terms. It therefore affects men, women, or teen girls and boys, whether in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship. Intimate partner violence may consist of one or more forms, including emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, or economic abuse and is defined as one person in an intimate relationship using any means to control the other. Types of domestic abuse include physical, verbal (also called emotional, mental, or psychological abuse), sexual, economic/financial, and spiritual abuse. Stalking and cyber-stalking are also forms of intimate partner abuse.

    Physical violence includes assault of any kind, ranging from pinching or pushing to choking, shooting, stabbing, and murder. Verbal, emotional, mental, or psychological abuse is described as using words to criticize, demean, or otherwise decrease the confidence of the victim. Sexual abuse refers to any behavior that uses sex to control or demean the victim, like intimidating the victim into engaging in unsafe sex or sexual practices in which he or she does not want to participate. Economic or financial abuse is described as limiting the victim's financial freedom or security. Spiritual abusers either force the victim to participate in the batterer's religious practices instead of their own or to raise mutual children in a religion that the victim is not in favor of. Stalking refers to repeatedly harassing and threatening behavior, including showing up at the victim's home or workplace, placing harassing phone calls, voicemail, email or postal mail messages or objects, or vandalizing the victim's property. It is usually committed by perpetrators of other forms of domestic violence.

    Domestic violence is a major public-health problem in that it affects millions of people and often results in physical and emotional injuries and even deaths. Media reporting of celebrities like Rihanna's domestic abuse victimization demonstrates that even the most accomplished individual can fall victim to this problem. The statistics about those who are affected by intimate partner violence are staggering; domestic abuse affects 3%-5% of current adult relationships in the United States, including more than 2 million women. Despite the myth that violence against men does not occur, 800,000 men are victims of intimate partner abuse. Nearly one-third of women can expect to be the victim of intimate partner violence sometime in their lifetime. About 25% of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) individuals are victims of intimate partner abuse, just as often as are heterosexual women. As of 2000, about 8 million incidents of domestic violence occurred in one year in the United States, and 20.2% of women visiting family practice clinics have been found to be experiencing intimate partner violence. About 1,300 deaths were attributed to domestic abuse as of 2003.

    Teen intimate partner abuse takes place at an alarming rate. Facts about domestic violence in this group include that as many as 12% of youth in grades 7 through 12 have been victims of physical dating violence, and 20% of youth have suffered from psychological dating violence. This abuse puts victims in danger of practicing risky sexual behavior, unhealthy eating, drug use, suicidal behaviors, as well as physical injury and death. These victims are also more likely to become sufferers of intimate partner violence as adults.

    GLBT people often face unique challenges when trying to cope with domestic-abuse victimization. The assumption by family, friends, coworkers, and professionals that abuse is mutual in homosexual couples or is an expected part of what is perceived as a dysfunctional relationship since it is not heterosexual, poses major obstacles to battered GLBT individuals in getting help. Other barriers for GLBT battered men and women include the fear of losing their jobs, home, and/or custody of their children should their sexual orientation become known in the context of getting help for intimate partner abuse. That GLBT individuals do not receive the legal and financial protections their heterosexual counterparts do can inhibit their ability to support themselves and live independently after leaving the abuser. Discrimination against GLBT people and other minorities is also a deterrent to receiving care. Another formidable obstacle includes a lack of knowing other admitted GLBT victims of domestic violence, as well as the smallness of the community, which can make it difficult for battered men and women in the GLBT community to live anonymously from their abuser in the same town.

    There tends to be a cycle of behavior, known as the cycle of violence, in abusive adult relationships. That cycle includes the tension-building, explosive, and tranquility/honeymoon stages. The tension-building stage is described as the phase of the abusive relationship in which the abuser tends to engage in lower-level abuse, like pushing, insulting, and escalating demands for control. Simultaneously, the victim of abuse tends to try to appease the abuser in an effort to avoid worsening of the abuse. Acts of abuse escalate to a severe level during the explosive stage of intimate partner violence, manifesting as the most overt and serious acts of abuse and control, like slapping, punching, rape, or inhibiting the movements of the victim. The tranquility or honeymoon stage of the cycle of domestic violence tends to immediately follow the overt acts of aggression of the explosive stage and is usually characterized by the abuser seeming to be quite remorseful and apologetic for the abuse, making promises that it will never happen again and showering the victim with affection.

  • Preparedness information

    Make a safety plan

    There’s more then one type of safety plan so let’s begin with this one shall we.

    CREATE A SAFETY PLAN FOR YOUR WORKPLACE!

    When you enter and leave your work always have someone escort you to your vehicle or other transportation.

    If you and your abuser work at the same place discuss with YOUR supervisor your options regarding scheduling, safety precautions and 

    employee/family benefits to YOU if you and your abuser are on the same benefit plan and ask about kids if they are involved. Additionally contact your local domestic violence victims services program.

    SAFETY AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH:

    Get Support. Call a domestic violence crisis help-line and/or attend a victims support group for at least 2 weeks to gain support from others and to learn more about yourself and the relationship with the abuser. 

    Do what is safe for you. If you have to communicate with the abuser and you might. Arrange to do so in a way that makes YOU feel safe. It could be by mail, phone, email or in the company of another person. 

    Safety And Your Children:

    Tell Schools And Childcare. Let them know who has permission to pick up the child/children. Make a special code word between you and the kid or kids. One the abuser or friends of the abuser or anyone YOU do not trust will not know.

    Have A Safe Place for The Child Or Children To go:

    Find a safe place for the kid or kids to visit in case you are running late or emergency arises. Many communities have places like this just for these situations and some communities have them specifically for just this purpose.

    YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE TO BE SAFE!

    While on the job.  Tell somebody! Decide whom at work you trust and inform them of your situation, especially if you have a Protection From Abuse Order (PFA). 

    This may include office security if available. Remember to provide a PICTURE of the ABUSER if possible. It is your Right to request and Expect Confidentiality from those you disclose to.

    Screen Your Calls. Arrange to have someone else screen and make a log of your telephone calls if possible. 

    Keep These Items With You At All Times. Use a backpack if needed. And backpacks are fashionable, cool and not unusual.

    1.Keys- house, car, office, friends, family any you might need.

    2.Medications, glasses, hearing aids and the batteries for them. Everything needed by you and your family daily. 

    3.Personal items you might need plus things like: your address book, pictures, cell phone, book and toys (kids get bored).

    4.Copies of your spouse’s green card, or social security card, Identification  or drivers license, passport and all immigration related documents.

    5.Benefit cards such as your Medical Insurance card, Dental Insurance card for you and kids and any others.

    Thank You,

    Info Dogg.

    IF YOU THINK YOUR IN DANGER CALL 911

  • Technology Safety Planning

    Tips to discuss if someone you know is in danger

    Technology can be very helpful to victims of domestic violence, sexual violence and stalking. However it is important to also consider how technology might be misused.

    1. Trust your instincts:

    If you suspect the abusive person knows too much it is possible that your phone, computer, email or other activities are being monitored. Abusers and stalkers can act in incredibly persistent and creative ways to maintain power and control.

    2. Plan for safety:

    Navigating violence, abuse and stalking is very difficult and dangerous. Make sure you talk to a professional trained in Domestic Violence and Safety Planning to help you make a plan for safety.

    3. Take precautions if you have a “techy” abuser:

    If computers and technology are a profession or hobby for the abuser/stalker trust your instincts. If you think he/she may be monitoring or tracking you talk to a crisis line advocate or the police.

    4. Use a safer computer:

    If anyone abusive has access to your computer he/she might be monitoring your computer activities. Try to use a safer computer when you look for help, a new place to live, etc. It may be safest to use a computer at a public library, community center or internet cafe.

    5. Create a new email account:

    If you suspect that anyone abusive can access your email, consider creating an additional email account on a safer computer. Do not create or check this new email from a computer your abuser could access in case it is monitored. Use an anonymous name and account: (example:bluecat@email.com, NOT YourRealName@email.com)Look for free web-based email accounts and do not provide detailed information about yourself.

    6. Check your cell phone settings:

    If you are using a cell phone provided by the abusive person consider turning it off when not in use. Also, many phones let you “LOCK” the keys so a phone won’t automatically answer a call if it is bumped.

    When on check the phone settings; if your phone has an optional location service you may want to switch the location feature off/on via phone settings or by turning your phone on and off.

    7. Change passwords and pin numbers:

    Some abusers use victim’s email and other accounts to impersonate and cause harm. If anyone abusive knows or could guess your passwords, change them quickly and frequently. Think about any password protected accounts such as online banking, voicemail, etc.

    8. Minimize use of cordless phones and baby monitors:

    If you don’t want others to overhear your conversations, turn baby monitors off when not in use and use a traditional corded phone for sensitive conversations.

    9. Use a new or donated cell phone:

    When making or receiving private calls or arranging an escape plan try not to use a shared or family cell phone because cell phone billing records and phone logs might reveal your plans to an abuser. Contact a Crisis Line to learn about donation programs that provide new cell phones and/or prepaid phone cards to victims of abuse and stalking.

    10. Ask about your records and data:

    Many court systems and government agencies are publishing records to the internet. Ask agencies how they protect or publish your records and request that court, government, post office and others seal or restrict access to your files to protect your safety.

    11. Get a private mailbox and don’t give out your real address:

    When asked by businesses, doctors and others for your address have a private mailbox address or a safer address to give them. Try to keep your true residential address out of national database.

    12. Search your name on the internet:

    Major search engines such as “Google” or “Yahoo” may have links to your contact information. Search for your name in quotation marks: “Full Name” Check phone directory pages because unlisted numbers might be listed if you have given the number to anyone.

    Please use this for informational purposes only and above all please be careful.

    Thank you,

    Info Dogg

    IF YOU THINK YOUR IN DANGER CALL 911


IF YOU THINK YOU'RE IN DANGER CALL 911

Info Dogg

Greetings,

I am the one and only Info Dogg and this is my little blog. I write this to help keep people stay informed because I believe Knowledge is power. We might as well get this out of the way right now since I am asked this a lot...Yes, I am a stuffed dog, Stuffed with knowledge! 

I am a Dogg with a Blog!

A MANS STORY

A Mans Story

I met my wife who was a single mum of 3 boys in 1997 and we married later that year in December. Over the years I was to become a father of 2 more boys.

On the 17th of October 2007 at   2:45pm I collapsed at the farm I worked on paralysed on the right side with a high temperature of 40.9 c (105 F) I was found about an hour and a half afterwards and taken to hospital where I was to stay for the next 52 days. I was eventually diagnosed with viral encephalitis and I was to relearn to walk and do many things that we take for granted…such as walking, getting out of a chair and showering.

The virus affected my strength, noticeably my right side. I had problems with my right leg that would often freeze up and stay dead for a period of time between 10 seconds to a few hours. I developed uncontrollable shakes if I was to over exercise and had chronic fatigue where I would need to sleep after  10 – 15 minutes in the gym. Another symptom that was even more disturbing was the partial amnesia that caused me to forget many significant things from my past. For example I was to walk into my sister in laws home and remark on their new kitchen…only to be informed that it was 3 years old and I had been in it many times before. Another time I asked a friend how his sisters kids were…only to be informed that one of the kids had drowned at least 10 years previously… I had known this, but it was new information to me…

Another side effect is that it affected me in that I cannot remember lists…if you tell me 3 things to do I will only be able to remember 1 or 2 of them.

Upon release from hospital I was given a walking stick and was  supposed to acquire a shower stool to make sure I was able to shower safely. The cost was $65 to buy one and my wife said that I would have to cope without one as we couldnt afford it.A rehabilitation nurse came to visit the home and sat both of us down and explained the processes needed to be put into place to make sure I managed fatigue and mobility issues… the major one with Christmas coming up that I would have to go shopping in a wheel chair.

The morning we went to go Christmas shopping I asked my wife if I could have some money to buy the kids some presents. She replied to me, “No… a real man would not be begging his wife for money….a real man would be out earning his own”

This remark cut deep to my heart. It struck deep into the very core of my identity as a man. I was struggling with the major life changes that had happened to me and it was as if she had belted me with a lump of 4*2 in the inner man.  I remember saying a prayer that went like this, Lord I know you heard every thing that just happened…all I want is some money  to buy some presents for the family…We went shopping and I met a man from church who said to me, Craig, I”m glad I met you today, I have carried this around for you and he gave me $100. When I told my wife what happened she wanted me to hand it over to her saying, You dont deserve to have any money, you have to give it to me.

I replied that I was going to use it to bless the boys over the Christmas Holidays and use it to see a movie or something else.

Over the next 12 months I was to hear this comment about not being a real man many times in many varied forms. I slowly gained some strength and resumed my interest in woodwork and slowly made some kids furniture. Tables, chairs and toys. I was only able to manage about 40 minutes a day in the garage and so progress was slow..but over a couple of months I made a few things and decided to try and sell some at a local market. Nothing sold, but I was asked to make a book shelf for some people who were ok about the extended time it would take me to build it.

I started to make the book shelf using the materials I had in the garage and needed to get some more from the hardware to finish it… I asked my wife for some money to go and get the materials I needed and was told…You have a garage full of stuff…use what you have…I’m not giving you a cent… a real man would have made some money selling what he made by now…

I replied saying I didn’t have what I needed mainly being some sandpaper, putty, the right screws and stain and that I wouldn’t be able to finish it without those materials… a week later she told me…I have the utmost contempt for you… you promised these people a bookshelf and you won’t finish it… a real man would finish what he began… I replied about how I could finish it within the week if she gave me some money to do so and she said..No go and earn your own money…be a real man and go and get a real job

I was told many times that I was cursed by God, that he didn’t hear my prayers. On two occasions she organised some people to come around to exorcise the devil from me, telling me a few minutes before they come what she had done….

I was slowly manipulated and ostracised from family and friends. Often told that even my family didn’t want anything to do with me, nor did my friends. For me to shower safely I would sit on the shower floor…one day she came to the shower door telling me that I was only acting, that the doctors didn’t know what they were on about, that there was nothing wrong with me. She knew better and she was going to force me to go and work and be a real man whether I liked it or not.( In 12 years of marriage my wife had never worked until I fell sick)

Her words were like bullets entering into me…the barage of words striking me deep and I curled into a fetal position crying out to God to make her stop, that I couldn’t handle her words and actions any more.

I also suffered some level of post traumatic stress and depression. I would often wake up of a night with dreams that I was paralysed and unable to move or call out for help, having flash backs of the time I collapsed. My doctor gave me some antidepressants which I tried, but couldn’t handle the taste.. and went off them within the week. I actually felt better about talking about the issues of being sick with another guy at church…though I was not able to talk about the way my wife was treating me.

I was thinking about writing a book and started to plan and plot a kids book with the boys. Again my wife said..who are you to write a book, you’re not good enough to write a book. She would often tear up my writings, come and stand over me and throw things at me, often threatening that one day she would stab me with a knife.

Eventually she did hit me, punching me in the head. I became so frightened of her that I could only bear to talk to her for a few minutes before fearing she would go into one of her rages. Eventually I sat down with our church pastor and told him what was going on and he laughed at me saying he didn’t believe things were as bad as they were, but they would pay for us to have counselling.

At counselling I would share what was going on and my wife would sit there saying I was lying and mentally ill…then on the way home would verbally abuse me for mentioning what was going on sayingit was none of the counsellors business….that it was me who needed fixing up not her. The counsellor gave us some homework to do in the form of journelling a letter and in it tell each other exactly what it was we wanted to say to each other… with strict instructions that we were not to read each others letters….

My wife found mine and ripped it out of the journal and gave it to the ladies and elders at church to read saying look at the letter I had written to her… it was from this point that I was ostracised by the church….I was thinking of resuming some study at a bible college and thought perhaps I could get a room at the college. My pastor got wind of what I was thinking and rang me saying…Craig..I’m good friends with the college president and I will make sure if you leave your family that you will never be able to minister within our organisation ever again…and you will not be allowed to continue any study what so ever..

This tore me apart inside. I had no money. Even though I was on government benefits my wife took all of it. I had nowhere to go… and I was dying inside. I was like a ball of lead. I had no joy. There were times that I thought of taking my life, though I made the decision no matter what I would not do that….as I had only the year before set up a shire wide suicide prevention and awareness network and had counselled a few people over the years from doing so…

Finally a crunch came where I was bitten on the wrist…deep to the bone. In trying to restrain my wife from harming me further I shoved her and she fell hitting her head on the couch. She rang the police about my abusing her and on their arrival ranted about my mental illness and she had my anti depressant tablets to prove it… when the police heard my story and asked if that was right she said yes…and then they asked me if I wanted her charged with assualt and again I said no! … on their suggestion to move out of the house I threw some things into my Kia Pregio van and moved out of the house and lived in the back of my van for the next 5 or so weeks.

I tried the department of housing..they put me on a waiting list and I am still waiting a year later for a house to be made available. There was no where for me to turn…and so I became numb, barely able to live. Suffering from mobility, fatigue and memory problems combined with the issues involved from being abused for so long and I became a recluse.

As a man who suffered domestic violence I found there was no where for me to turn. Few people believed me. The public brochures that the nsw government department have dealing  with domestic abuse make out that it is the man who is the abuser…the other brochure talking about abuse in society says…”Women, children and others…” are liable to suffer abuse…. the question I ask is…who are the others?

Jul 24, 2011 5:07 PM

THE TRUTH ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

The Truth About Domestic Violence

It is a crime if someone physically hurts or threatens you. No one has the right to hurt you, even if that person is a spouse, child, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent or partner.

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIOLENCE:

Batterers often blame their abusive behavior on drugs or alcohol, stress, childhood abuse, or their partner. As a result, you may have feelings of isolation, fear, shame, and hopelessness.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE:

There are people who are concerned about you and want to help. We hope this information is part of the beginning of a safe future for you and your children.

READ THE TRUTH:

I am not to blame for being beaten and abused

I have a right NOT to be abused

I am not the cause

of another's violent behavior.

I have a right to be angry over past beatings.

I do not like or want it.

I do not want my children to grow up to batter

or be battered.

I have a right to leave

this battering environment.

I have a right to be in a safe, nonviolent home.

I have a right to provide a healthy environment

for myself and my children.

I do not have to accept physical, emotional,

sexual, psychological, or financial abuse.

I have the right to make mistakes.

I have the right to believe

that I have a good memory

and can remember events.

I have the right to have a partner

who is sexually faithful.

I have the right to participate in the process

of making rules that will affect my life.

 The Truth About Domestic Violence:

Domestic violence is an escalating pattern of abuse where one partner in an intimate relationship controls the other through force, intimidation, or the threat of violence. Abuse comes in many forms:

Physical:

Kicking, punching, shoving, slapping, pushing, and any other acts which hurt your body.

Sexual:

Calling you vulgar names, criticizing your body parts or sensuality, forced or pressured sexual acts, including rape.

Emotional:

Assaults against your self-esteem.

Verbal:

Name-calling, threats, put-downs.

Psychological:

Causing you to feel as if you are "going crazy".

Spiritual:

Attacking your spiritual or religious beliefs.

Financial:

Controlling and manipulating you by threatening your economic status and basic needs.

Homophobic:

Threatening to "out" you to people who do not know your sexual orientation.

Immigration:

Using your immigration status and fear of deportation to control you.

Destructive Acts:

*Actual or threatened assault of your property or pets to scare you.

* A woman is beaten every nine seconds in the United States. Domestic violence is the most under-reported crime in the country, with the actual incidence 10 times higher than is reported.

* Eighty percent of children who live in homes where domestic violence occurs witness the abuse.

* Lesbian and gay domestic violence occurs in approximately one-third of these relationships, about as often as in heterosexual relationships.

* On average, four women are murdered every day by their male partner in the U.S. According to the District Office, there were 21 deaths as a result of domestic violence in Santa Clara County in 1995.

* Women in the U.S. are in nine times more danger in their own homes than they are in the street.

* According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 95 percent of reported spousal assaults are committed by men against women. Assaults committed by women against men occur in approximately 5 to 10 percent of domestic violence matters.

* About 17 percent of women report experiencing physical or sexual violence during pregnancy.

*Battering prior to pregnancy is the primary predictor that battering will occur during pregnancy.

Domestic violence is one of the nation's best kept secrets. Myths and misunderstandings abound. Knowing the facts is an important step toward breaking the cycle of violence.

Fact:

Almost four million women are beaten in their homes every year by their male partners. Although the first violent incident may not be severe, once battering begins, it tends to increase in severity and frequency, sometimes leading to permanent injury or death. What may begin as an occasional slap or shove will turn into a pushy down the stairs, a punch in the face, or a kick in the stomach.

Fact:

Battering is not about anger or losing control; it is an intentional choice focused on maintaining power and control in the relationship. Batterers manage not to beat their bosses or terrorize their friends when they are angry.

Fact:

The batterer is responsible for the violence – not the victim. People are beaten for breaking an egg yolk while fixing breakfast, for wearing their hair a certain way, for dressing to nicely or not nicely enough, for cooking the wrong meal, or any other number of excuses. These incidents do not warrant or provoke violence. Even when you disagree, you do not deserve to be beaten. People who are battered do not want to be beaten.

Fact:

Violence does occur in same sex relationships, and the issues of power and control are similar to those found in heterosexual relationships. Homophobia allows us to trivialize the violence in same sex relationships and compounds the effects of the violence for the victim.

Fact:

Substance abuse is involved in about half of all domestic violence incidents. Although drugs or alcohol may lower a person's self-control, they do not cause violence. Batterers often use drugs or alcohol as an excuse or permission to batter and to avoid responsibility for their abuse.

Fact:

Because violence inflicted upon a woman by her partner is treated much differently than violence inflicted by a stranger, batterers are not always arrested. Traditionally, police were more likely to file a report if the offender was a stranger, rather than an intimate partner.

Fact:

Battering crosses all economic, educational, ethnic, sexual orientation, age, and racial lines in equal proportions. There is no "typical" victim.

Fact:

Batterers generally lead "normal" lives except for their unwillingness to stop their violence and controlling behavior in their intimate relationships. 

People stay with abusive partners for many different reasons. By understanding these reasons, you can explore your options for living a violence-free life and avoid feelings of guilt and isolation:

* You fear you will be beaten more severely. Your batterer has threatened to find and kill or harm you, your children, and your family.

* You depend on the batterer for shelter, food, and other necessities.

* You have no one to talk to who understands and believes you.

* You believe your children need two parents, and you don't want to raise them alone.

* You want to keep the family together and live up to your religious commitment to remain with your partner.

* You fear that you won't be able to take care of yourself and your children alone.

* You want to stand by your partner and be loyal to the relationship.

* Your partner has threatened to commit suicide if you leave.

* You believe that things will get better.

* You believe that no one else will love you.

* You fear your family and friends will be ashamed of you.

* You feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated and don't want anyone to know what is happening.

* You think others will believe that you are "low class" or stupid for staying as long as you already have.

* You believe that you need to be in a relationship to feel like a complete person.

* You fear that you will be deported or that your children will be taken out of the country.

* If you are in a same sex relationship, you fear that you will be "outed" or that no one will believe you.

* Your job is to make the relationship work, and if it does not work, you are to blame.

* If you stay, you can "save" the batterer and help him or her get better.

It is a myth that people don't leave violent relationships. Many leave an average of five to seven times before they are able to leave permanently. You are in greater danger from your partner's abuse when you leave. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. Whether you decide to remain with your abusive partner or leave, it is important for you to plan for your safety.


Children and Domestic Violence...

* Children who live in a home where battering occurs are likely to experience a variety of negative effects and problems.

* Children may be injured during an incident of violence, may suffer feelings of helplessness, may blame themselves for not preventing the violence or for causing it, and may be abused or neglected themselves.

* Children in violent homes face a dual threat: witnessing traumatic events and the threat of physical assault.

* Children living with domestic violence experience unnaturally high levels of anxiety.

* Children may suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (similar to what war veterans suffer) even after a single incident.

* Children exposed to domestic violence often experience difficulties in school.

* Children living in violent homes have more frequent incidents of truancy, theft, insomnia, temper tantrums, and violence toward others than children raised in a non-violent atmosphere.

* Studies indicate that boys exposed to family violence tend to be overly aggressive and disruptive.

* Studies show that girls who are exposed to family violence tend to withdraw and behave more passively than girls not exposed to violence.

* Children who live in abusive homes have a higher risk of juvenile delinquency and substance abuse.

It is extremely important for children who live in violent homes to have a simple safety plan...

* Warn children to stay out of the adults’ conflicts.

*  Make a list of people the children and you can trust and talk to when they are feeling unsafe such as neighbors, teachers, relatives and friends.

* Decide ahead of time on a safe place the children can go to when they feel unsafe.

* Teach the children how to use the telephone and cell phone to call police and other emergency service phone numbers.

The Power and Control Wheel…

Definition and Dynamics:

Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive control of one person over another in an intimate relationship. In short, domestic violence is about power and control. Domestic violence affects the totality of a woman’s life. 

4 types of abuse:

Abuse falls into 4 categories and takes many forms. Here are a few examples:

1: •Physical – hitting, shoving, choking, burning, punching-  and the ultimate which is murder.

2: •Emotional - isolation; putting her /him down; blaming her/him  for everything; calling her/him names; making her/him feel like she is crazy; threatening her/him.

3: •Financial - making her/him work; not letting her/him work; harassing her/him at work; hiding money and assets; using all the resources for himself/her.

4: •Sexual - raping her/him; forcing her/him into other sexual activity; demeaning her/him sexually.

Myths and Facts on Domestic Violence:

* Myth: Domestic violence only affects certain groups of women/men.

* Fact: Domestic violence affects women/men of all racial, social and economic groups.

* Myth: Domestic violence is caused by alcohol, stress, losing control of one's emotions, or poor communication between couples.

* Fact: Domestic violence is when one person uses power and control over another in an intimate relationship context. Factors such as alcohol abuse or stress may be an excuse for the violence, but do not cause domestic violence.

* Myth: Women/men stay with men/women who are abusive because they have low self-esteem; because they were raised in an abusive home; because they are not educated; or because they enjoy it.

* Fact: Women/men stay because leaving is dangerous and difficult. Women/men actively seek support. They do not always get help when they do pursue it. Studies have shown that when the number of services for women/men have gone up in communities, the number of women/men who kill their abusers goes down.

* Myth: The violence ends when women/men leave.

* Fact: Women/men are more likely to be killed by an abuser while they are leaving or after they have left. Separation violence, stalking and harassment are a real and dangerous part of domestic violence.

Statics:

Did you know that...

* Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the United States - greater than car accidents and muggings combined.

* A woman is battered every 15 seconds in the United States.

* Between 85%-95% of domestic violence victims are women.

* The health related costs of domestic violence exceed $5.8 billion each year.

* Approximately 1 in 3 adolescent girls in the United States is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse in a dating relationship.

* On average 3 to 4 women are killed everyday by their husbands or partners.

The Equality Wheel…

Equality is the basis of a positive relationship between two partners. Each spoke of the wheel (eg. trust, respect, honesty) strengthens the commitment of two people towards a healthy respectful relationship which includes good communication, a safe home, and especially non-violence.

Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence...

Alcohol or drug use is present in an estimated 65 to 80 percent of all domestic violence incidents. Families affected by domestic violence typically experience a higher rate of alcohol and or drug use than families not affected by battering.

While the batterer may blame substance use for the battering, it is important to know that alcohol and drugs do not causeviolence; however, the violence and abuse may be more severe during use. Domestic violence and substance abuse are two different problems and each requires specialized intervention.

Teen Dating Violence...

Are you involved in a dating relationship that is abusive or is potentially abusive? Ask yourself these questions:

* Is your partner jealous or possessive?

* Does your partner dislike your friends?

* Does your partner not let you have friends?

* Does your partner have a "quick temper"?

* Does your partner have traditional ideas of gender roles?

* Does your partner try to control you or make all the decisions?

* Do you worry about how your partner will react to things you do or say?

* Do you get a lot of negative verbal teasing from your partner?

* Are you comfortable with your partner's "playful" slaps and shoves?

* Does your partner's behavior change if he/she drinks or uses drugs?

* Does your partner pressure you to use drugs or alcohol?

* Do you feel it is your responsibility to make the relationship work?

* Are you afraid of what your partner might do if he/she becomes angry?

* Are you afraid to end the relationship?

* Do you believe your partner will not accept breaking up?

* Does your partner blame you when he/she mistreats you?

Parents: Signs of Dating Violence:

* Your teen has bruises, bite marks, black eyes or other unexplained physical injuries.

* Your teen is unwilling to discuss her or his dating relationship.

* Your teen is withdrawn.

* Your teen is spending a lot of time alone.

If you are the victim of a juvenile batterer:

* Talk to your parents, if you can, or decide which friend, teacher, relative, or police officer you can tell.

* Telephone the Probation Department and ask to speak with the assigned probation officer.

* If the juvenile batterer is appearing in court, you have the right to be notified, to be present in court, to submit a statement to the Court, in person or in writing, and to have a support person present.

* Contact an advocate to help you make a safety plan and to decide if you should get a restraining order.

* As a minor, you can get a restraining order. A judge will decide if your parents should be notified. For help with a restraining order, contact an advocate .

"Red Flags" Of A Battering Personality:

If you are uncertain whether your partner is abusive or if you want to be able to tell at the beginning of the relationship if the other person has the potential to become abusive, there are behaviors you can look for, including the following:

1. JEALOUSY: An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.

2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are "late" coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many domestic violence victims only knew their abuser for a few months before they were living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming "you're the only person I could ever talk to" and "I've never felt loved like this by anyone". Abusers are generally very charming at the beginning of the relationship. You will be pressured to commit in such a way that later you may feel very guilty if you want to slow down involvement or break up. If you are newly out, be careful; abusers often target those they know are new to the GLBT community because it is a time when you are vulnerable and may not know very many people in the community.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like "if you love me, I'm all you need and you're all I need". You are supposed to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically.

5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a "whore", a "slut" or "cheating". If you are close to family, you're "tied to the apron strings". The abuser will accuses people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can't concentrate on their work. They will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: Abusive people will tell you, "you made me mad" and "I can't help being angry".  Although they actually makes the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the "victim" in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people's children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to "make up" by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel, this can be seen when the abuser degrades or curses you, belittling any of your accomplishments. They may say accuse you of not being a "real" lesbian or gay man. If you aren't out, they may threaten to out you to family members or your employer. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without them. They may wake you up to verbally abuse you, or not let you go to sleep.

12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Abusers expect the partner to play the "female" role; to serve them, and insists that you obey them in all things. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of everything they have done for you.

13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abuser's sudden changes in mood, and may think it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Many victims feel if their partner would just quit drinking or using drugs, the violence would stop. This is usually not the case. Abusive people continue the abuse, even after they stop using alcohol or drugs, unless they also seek help for their abusive behavior.

14. PAST BATTERING: These people say they have hit a partner in the past, but the previous partner made them do it. You may hear from relatives or ex partners that the person has been abusive. A batterer will beat any person they are with if they are with that person long enough for violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", "I'll break your neck". Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will say "everyone talks like that", or "it didn't mean anything".

16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist or throw objects around. This is not only a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but indicates great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.

17.ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, "You're going to listen to me!".
(adapted)

Thank you for reading,

Info Dogg


IF YOU THINK YOUR IN DANGER CALL 911

Jul 24, 2011 4:54 PM

WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence -- also called intimate partner abuse, intimate partner violence, and domestic abuse -- takes many forms. Maltreatment that takes place in the context of any romantic relationship is abuse as described by the above specific terms. It therefore affects men, women, or teen girls and boys, whether in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship. Intimate partner violence may consist of one or more forms, including emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, or economic abuse and is defined as one person in an intimate relationship using any means to control the other. Types of domestic abuse include physical, verbal (also called emotional, mental, or psychological abuse), sexual, economic/financial, and spiritual abuse. Stalking and cyber-stalking are also forms of intimate partner abuse.

Physical violence includes assault of any kind, ranging from pinching or pushing to choking, shooting, stabbing, and murder. Verbal, emotional, mental, or psychological abuse is described as using words to criticize, demean, or otherwise decrease the confidence of the victim. Sexual abuse refers to any behavior that uses sex to control or demean the victim, like intimidating the victim into engaging in unsafe sex or sexual practices in which he or she does not want to participate. Economic or financial abuse is described as limiting the victim's financial freedom or security. Spiritual abusers either force the victim to participate in the batterer's religious practices instead of their own or to raise mutual children in a religion that the victim is not in favor of. Stalking refers to repeatedly harassing and threatening behavior, including showing up at the victim's home or workplace, placing harassing phone calls, voicemail, email or postal mail messages or objects, or vandalizing the victim's property. It is usually committed by perpetrators of other forms of domestic violence.

Domestic violence is a major public-health problem in that it affects millions of people and often results in physical and emotional injuries and even deaths. Media reporting of celebrities like Rihanna's domestic abuse victimization demonstrates that even the most accomplished individual can fall victim to this problem. The statistics about those who are affected by intimate partner violence are staggering; domestic abuse affects 3%-5% of current adult relationships in the United States, including more than 2 million women. Despite the myth that violence against men does not occur, 800,000 men are victims of intimate partner abuse. Nearly one-third of women can expect to be the victim of intimate partner violence sometime in their lifetime. About 25% of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) individuals are victims of intimate partner abuse, just as often as are heterosexual women. As of 2000, about 8 million incidents of domestic violence occurred in one year in the United States, and 20.2% of women visiting family practice clinics have been found to be experiencing intimate partner violence. About 1,300 deaths were attributed to domestic abuse as of 2003.

Teen intimate partner abuse takes place at an alarming rate. Facts about domestic violence in this group include that as many as 12% of youth in grades 7 through 12 have been victims of physical dating violence, and 20% of youth have suffered from psychological dating violence. This abuse puts victims in danger of practicing risky sexual behavior, unhealthy eating, drug use, suicidal behaviors, as well as physical injury and death. These victims are also more likely to become sufferers of intimate partner violence as adults.

GLBT people often face unique challenges when trying to cope with domestic-abuse victimization. The assumption by family, friends, coworkers, and professionals that abuse is mutual in homosexual couples or is an expected part of what is perceived as a dysfunctional relationship since it is not heterosexual, poses major obstacles to battered GLBT individuals in getting help. Other barriers for GLBT battered men and women include the fear of losing their jobs, home, and/or custody of their children should their sexual orientation become known in the context of getting help for intimate partner abuse. That GLBT individuals do not receive the legal and financial protections their heterosexual counterparts do can inhibit their ability to support themselves and live independently after leaving the abuser. Discrimination against GLBT people and other minorities is also a deterrent to receiving care. Another formidable obstacle includes a lack of knowing other admitted GLBT victims of domestic violence, as well as the smallness of the community, which can make it difficult for battered men and women in the GLBT community to live anonymously from their abuser in the same town.

There tends to be a cycle of behavior, known as the cycle of violence, in abusive adult relationships. That cycle includes the tension-building, explosive, and tranquility/honeymoon stages. The tension-building stage is described as the phase of the abusive relationship in which the abuser tends to engage in lower-level abuse, like pushing, insulting, and escalating demands for control. Simultaneously, the victim of abuse tends to try to appease the abuser in an effort to avoid worsening of the abuse. Acts of abuse escalate to a severe level during the explosive stage of intimate partner violence, manifesting as the most overt and serious acts of abuse and control, like slapping, punching, rape, or inhibiting the movements of the victim. The tranquility or honeymoon stage of the cycle of domestic violence tends to immediately follow the overt acts of aggression of the explosive stage and is usually characterized by the abuser seeming to be quite remorseful and apologetic for the abuse, making promises that it will never happen again and showering the victim with affection.

Jul 24, 2011 4:52 PM

PREPAREDNESS INFORMATION

Preparedness information

Make a safety plan

There’s more then one type of safety plan so let’s begin with this one shall we.

CREATE A SAFETY PLAN FOR YOUR WORKPLACE!

When you enter and leave your work always have someone escort you to your vehicle or other transportation.

If you and your abuser work at the same place discuss with YOUR supervisor your options regarding scheduling, safety precautions and 

employee/family benefits to YOU if you and your abuser are on the same benefit plan and ask about kids if they are involved. Additionally contact your local domestic violence victims services program.

SAFETY AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH:

Get Support. Call a domestic violence crisis help-line and/or attend a victims support group for at least 2 weeks to gain support from others and to learn more about yourself and the relationship with the abuser. 

Do what is safe for you. If you have to communicate with the abuser and you might. Arrange to do so in a way that makes YOU feel safe. It could be by mail, phone, email or in the company of another person. 

Safety And Your Children:

Tell Schools And Childcare. Let them know who has permission to pick up the child/children. Make a special code word between you and the kid or kids. One the abuser or friends of the abuser or anyone YOU do not trust will not know.

Have A Safe Place for The Child Or Children To go:

Find a safe place for the kid or kids to visit in case you are running late or emergency arises. Many communities have places like this just for these situations and some communities have them specifically for just this purpose.

YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE TO BE SAFE!

While on the job.  Tell somebody! Decide whom at work you trust and inform them of your situation, especially if you have a Protection From Abuse Order (PFA). 

This may include office security if available. Remember to provide a PICTURE of the ABUSER if possible. It is your Right to request and Expect Confidentiality from those you disclose to.

Screen Your Calls. Arrange to have someone else screen and make a log of your telephone calls if possible. 

Keep These Items With You At All Times. Use a backpack if needed. And backpacks are fashionable, cool and not unusual.

1.Keys- house, car, office, friends, family any you might need.

2.Medications, glasses, hearing aids and the batteries for them. Everything needed by you and your family daily. 

3.Personal items you might need plus things like: your address book, pictures, cell phone, book and toys (kids get bored).

4.Copies of your spouse’s green card, or social security card, Identification  or drivers license, passport and all immigration related documents.

5.Benefit cards such as your Medical Insurance card, Dental Insurance card for you and kids and any others.

Thank You,

Info Dogg.

IF YOU THINK YOUR IN DANGER CALL 911

Jul 24, 2011 4:48 PM

TECHNOLOGY SAFETY PLANNING

Technology Safety Planning

Tips to discuss if someone you know is in danger

Technology can be very helpful to victims of domestic violence, sexual violence and stalking. However it is important to also consider how technology might be misused.

1. Trust your instincts:

If you suspect the abusive person knows too much it is possible that your phone, computer, email or other activities are being monitored. Abusers and stalkers can act in incredibly persistent and creative ways to maintain power and control.

2. Plan for safety:

Navigating violence, abuse and stalking is very difficult and dangerous. Make sure you talk to a professional trained in Domestic Violence and Safety Planning to help you make a plan for safety.

3. Take precautions if you have a “techy” abuser:

If computers and technology are a profession or hobby for the abuser/stalker trust your instincts. If you think he/she may be monitoring or tracking you talk to a crisis line advocate or the police.

4. Use a safer computer:

If anyone abusive has access to your computer he/she might be monitoring your computer activities. Try to use a safer computer when you look for help, a new place to live, etc. It may be safest to use a computer at a public library, community center or internet cafe.

5. Create a new email account:

If you suspect that anyone abusive can access your email, consider creating an additional email account on a safer computer. Do not create or check this new email from a computer your abuser could access in case it is monitored. Use an anonymous name and account: (example:bluecat@email.com, NOT YourRealName@email.com)Look for free web-based email accounts and do not provide detailed information about yourself.

6. Check your cell phone settings:

If you are using a cell phone provided by the abusive person consider turning it off when not in use. Also, many phones let you “LOCK” the keys so a phone won’t automatically answer a call if it is bumped.

When on check the phone settings; if your phone has an optional location service you may want to switch the location feature off/on via phone settings or by turning your phone on and off.

7. Change passwords and pin numbers:

Some abusers use victim’s email and other accounts to impersonate and cause harm. If anyone abusive knows or could guess your passwords, change them quickly and frequently. Think about any password protected accounts such as online banking, voicemail, etc.

8. Minimize use of cordless phones and baby monitors:

If you don’t want others to overhear your conversations, turn baby monitors off when not in use and use a traditional corded phone for sensitive conversations.

9. Use a new or donated cell phone:

When making or receiving private calls or arranging an escape plan try not to use a shared or family cell phone because cell phone billing records and phone logs might reveal your plans to an abuser. Contact a Crisis Line to learn about donation programs that provide new cell phones and/or prepaid phone cards to victims of abuse and stalking.

10. Ask about your records and data:

Many court systems and government agencies are publishing records to the internet. Ask agencies how they protect or publish your records and request that court, government, post office and others seal or restrict access to your files to protect your safety.

11. Get a private mailbox and don’t give out your real address:

When asked by businesses, doctors and others for your address have a private mailbox address or a safer address to give them. Try to keep your true residential address out of national database.

12. Search your name on the internet:

Major search engines such as “Google” or “Yahoo” may have links to your contact information. Search for your name in quotation marks: “Full Name” Check phone directory pages because unlisted numbers might be listed if you have given the number to anyone.

Please use this for informational purposes only and above all please be careful.

Thank you,

Info Dogg

IF YOU THINK YOUR IN DANGER CALL 911


Jul 24, 2011 4:35 PM

© PATRICIA RODOLFF 2011