Info Dogg
Hi,
My name is Info Dogg and I write this little blog of tips and useful things I think people might like to know.
Since I get asked this a lot we might as well get it out of the way now, yes, I am a stuffed dog. I am stuffed full of knoledge and cuteness.
Please note that websites you visit may be viewed by someone else later.
Always clear your browsing history after searching the web. Consider using
a public or friend’s computer if you are concerned about someone viewing
your browsing history.
If you need help right now, call “911.”Are You in Danger Now?
You can also call:
- Domestic Violence Shelter, orYour local
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
TDD: 1-800-787-3224
Technology Safety:
Technology Safety Planning
Tips to discuss if someone you know is in danger
Technology can be very helpful to victims of domestic violence, sexual violence and stalking. However it is important to also consider how technology might be misused.
1. Trust your instincts:
If you suspect the abusive person knows too much it is possible that your phone, computer, email or other activities are being monitored. Abusers and stalkers can act in incredibly persistent and creative ways to maintain power and control.
2. Plan for safety:
Navigating violence, abuse and stalking is very difficult and dangerous. Make sure you talk to a professional trained in Domestic Violence and Safety Planning to help you make a plan for safety.
3. Take precautions if you have a “techy” abuser:
If computers and technology are a profession or hobby for the abuser/stalker trust your instincts. If you think he/she may be monitoring or tracking you talk to a crisis line advocate or the police.
4. Use a safer computer:
If anyone abusive has access to your computer he/she might be monitoring your computer activities. Try to use a safer computer when you look for help, a new place to live, etc. It may be safest to use a computer at a public library, community center or internet cafe.
5. Create a new email account:
If you suspect that anyone abusive can access your email, consider creating an additional email account on a safer computer. Do not create or check this new email from a computer your abuser could access in case it is monitored. Use an anonymous name and account: (example:bluecat@email.com, NOT YourRealName@email.com)Look for free web-based email accounts and do not provide detailed information about yourself.
6. Check your cell phone settings:
If you are using a cell phone provided by the abusive person consider turning it off when not in use. Also, many phones let you “LOCK” the keys so a phone won’t automatically answer a call if it is bumped.
When on check the phone settings; if your phone has an optional location service you may want to switch the location feature off/on via phone settings or by turning your phone on and off.
7. Change passwords and pin numbers:
Some abusers use victim’s email and other accounts to impersonate and cause harm. If anyone abusive knows or could guess your passwords, change them quickly and frequently. Think about any password protected accounts such as online banking, voicemail, etc.
8. Minimize use of cordless phones and baby monitors:
If you don’t want others to overhear your conversations, turn baby monitors off when not in use and use a traditional corded phone for sensitive conversations.
9. Use a new or donated cell phone:
When making or receiving private calls or arranging an escape plan try not to use a shared or family cell phone because cell phone billing records and phone logs might reveal your plans to an abuser. Contact a Crisis Line to learn about donation programs that provide new cell phones and/or prepaid phone cards to victims of abuse and stalking.
10. Ask about your records and data:
Many court systems and government agencies are publishing records to the internet. Ask agencies how they protect or publish your records and request that court, government, post office and others seal or restrict access to your files to protect your safety.
11. Get a private mailbox and don’t give out your real address:
When asked by businesses, doctors and others for your address have a private mailbox address or a safer address to give them. Try to keep your true residential address out of national database.
12. Search your name on the internet:
Major search engines such as “Google” or “Yahoo” may have links to your contact information. Search for your name in quotation marks: “Full Name” Check phone directory pages because unlisted numbers might be listed if you have given the number to anyone.
Please use this for informational purposes only and above all please be careful.
Thank you,
Info Dogg
The Truth About Domestic Violence:
The Truth About Domestic Violence
It is a crime if someone physically hurts or threatens you. No one has the right to hurt you, even if that person is a spouse, child, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent or partner.
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIOLENCE:
Batterers often blame their abusive behavior on drugs or alcohol, stress, childhood abuse, or their partner. As a result, you may have feelings of isolation, fear, shame, and hopelessness.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE:
There are people who are concerned about you and want to help. We hope this information is part of the beginning of a safe future for you and your children.
READ THE TRUTH:
I am not to blame for being beaten and abused
I have a right NOT to be abused
I am not the cause
of another's violent behavior.
I have a right to be angry over past beatings.
I do not like or want it.
I do not want my children to grow up to batter
or be battered.
I have a right to leave
this battering environment.
I have a right to be in a safe, nonviolent home.
I have a right to provide a healthy environment
for myself and my children.
I do not have to accept physical, emotional,
sexual, psychological, or financial abuse.
I have the right to make mistakes.
I have the right to believe
that I have a good memory
and can remember events.
I have the right to have a partner
who is sexually faithful.
I have the right to participate in the process
of making rules that will affect my life.
The Truth About Domestic Violence:
Domestic violence is an escalating pattern of abuse where one partner in an intimate relationship controls the other through force, intimidation, or the threat of violence. Abuse comes in many forms:
Physical:
Kicking, punching, shoving, slapping, pushing, and any other acts which hurt your body.
Sexual:
Calling you vulgar names, criticizing your body parts or sensuality, forced or pressured sexual acts, including rape.
Emotional:
Assaults against your self-esteem.
Verbal:
Name-calling, threats, put-downs.
Psychological:
Causing you to feel as if you are "going crazy".
Spiritual:
Attacking your spiritual or religious beliefs.
Financial:
Controlling and manipulating you by threatening your economic status and basic needs.
Homophobic:
Threatening to "out" you to people who do not know your sexual orientation.
Immigration:
Using your immigration status and fear of deportation to control you.
Destructive Acts:
*Actual or threatened assault of your property or pets to scare you.
* A woman is beaten every nine seconds in the United States. Domestic violence is the most under-reported crime in the country, with the actual incidence 10 times higher than is reported.
* Eighty percent of children who live in homes where domestic violence occurs witness the abuse.
* Lesbian and gay domestic violence occurs in approximately one-third of these relationships, about as often as in heterosexual relationships.
* On average, four women are murdered every day by their male partner in the U.S. According to the District Office, there were 21 deaths as a result of domestic violence in Santa Clara County in 1995.
* Women in the U.S. are in nine times more danger in their own homes than they are in the street.
* According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 95 percent of reported spousal assaults are committed by men against women. Assaults committed by women against men occur in approximately 5 to 10 percent of domestic violence matters.
* About 17 percent of women report experiencing physical or sexual violence during pregnancy.
*Battering prior to pregnancy is the primary predictor that battering will occur during pregnancy.
Domestic violence is one of the nation's best kept secrets. Myths and misunderstandings abound. Knowing the facts is an important step toward breaking the cycle of violence.
Fact:
Almost four million women are beaten in their homes every year by their male partners. Although the first violent incident may not be severe, once battering begins, it tends to increase in severity and frequency, sometimes leading to permanent injury or death. What may begin as an occasional slap or shove will turn into a pushy down the stairs, a punch in the face, or a kick in the stomach.
Fact:
Battering is not about anger or losing control; it is an intentional choice focused on maintaining power and control in the relationship. Batterers manage not to beat their bosses or terrorize their friends when they are angry.
Fact:
The batterer is responsible for the violence – not the victim. People are beaten for breaking an egg yolk while fixing breakfast, for wearing their hair a certain way, for dressing to nicely or not nicely enough, for cooking the wrong meal, or any other number of excuses. These incidents do not warrant or provoke violence. Even when you disagree, you do not deserve to be beaten. People who are battered do not want to be beaten.
Fact:
Violence does occur in same sex relationships, and the issues of power and control are similar to those found in heterosexual relationships. Homophobia allows us to trivialize the violence in same sex relationships and compounds the effects of the violence for the victim.
Fact:
Substance abuse is involved in about half of all domestic violence incidents. Although drugs or alcohol may lower a person's self-control, they do not cause violence. Batterers often use drugs or alcohol as an excuse or permission to batter and to avoid responsibility for their abuse.
Fact:
Because violence inflicted upon a woman by her partner is treated much differently than violence inflicted by a stranger, batterers are not always arrested. Traditionally, police were more likely to file a report if the offender was a stranger, rather than an intimate partner.
Fact:
Battering crosses all economic, educational, ethnic, sexual orientation, age, and racial lines in equal proportions. There is no "typical" victim.
Fact:
Batterers generally lead "normal" lives except for their unwillingness to stop their violence and controlling behavior in their intimate relationships.
People stay with abusive partners for many different reasons. By understanding these reasons, you can explore your options for living a violence-free life and avoid feelings of guilt and isolation:
* You fear you will be beaten more severely. Your batterer has threatened to find and kill or harm you, your children, and your family.
* You depend on the batterer for shelter, food, and other necessities.
* You have no one to talk to who understands and believes you.
* You believe your children need two parents, and you don't want to raise them alone.
* You want to keep the family together and live up to your religious commitment to remain with your partner.
* You fear that you won't be able to take care of yourself and your children alone.
* You want to stand by your partner and be loyal to the relationship.
* Your partner has threatened to commit suicide if you leave.
* You believe that things will get better.
* You believe that no one else will love you.
* You fear your family and friends will be ashamed of you.
* You feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated and don't want anyone to know what is happening.
* You think others will believe that you are "low class" or stupid for staying as long as you already have.
* You believe that you need to be in a relationship to feel like a complete person.
* You fear that you will be deported or that your children will be taken out of the country.
* If you are in a same sex relationship, you fear that you will be "outed" or that no one will believe you.
* Your job is to make the relationship work, and if it does not work, you are to blame.
* If you stay, you can "save" the batterer and help him or her get better.
It is a myth that people don't leave violent relationships. Many leave an average of five to seven times before they are able to leave permanently. You are in greater danger from your partner's abuse when you leave. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. Whether you decide to remain with your abusive partner or leave, it is important for you to plan for your safety.
Children and Domestic Violence...
* Children who live in a home where battering occurs are likely to experience a variety of negative effects and problems.
* Children may be injured during an incident of violence, may suffer feelings of helplessness, may blame themselves for not preventing the violence or for causing it, and may be abused or neglected themselves.
* Children in violent homes face a dual threat: witnessing traumatic events and the threat of physical assault.
* Children living with domestic violence experience unnaturally high levels of anxiety.
* Children may suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (similar to what war veterans suffer) even after a single incident.
* Children exposed to domestic violence often experience difficulties in school.
* Children living in violent homes have more frequent incidents of truancy, theft, insomnia, temper tantrums, and violence toward others than children raised in a non-violent atmosphere.
* Studies indicate that boys exposed to family violence tend to be overly aggressive and disruptive.
* Studies show that girls who are exposed to family violence tend to withdraw and behave more passively than girls not exposed to violence.
* Children who live in abusive homes have a higher risk of juvenile delinquency and substance abuse.
It is extremely important for children who live in violent homes to have a simple safety plan...
* Warn children to stay out of the adults’ conflicts.
* Make a list of people the children and you can trust and talk to when they are feeling unsafe such as neighbors, teachers, relatives and friends.
* Decide ahead of time on a safe place the children can go to when they feel unsafe.
* Teach the children how to use the telephone and cell phone to call police and other emergency service phone numbers.
The Power and Control Wheel…
Definition and Dynamics:
Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive control of one person over another in an intimate relationship. In short, domestic violence is about power and control. Domestic violence affects the totality of a woman’s life.
4 types of abuse:
Abuse falls into 4 categories and takes many forms. Here are a few examples:
1: •Physical – hitting, shoving, choking, burning, punching- and the ultimate which is murder.
2: •Emotional - isolation; putting her /him down; blaming her/him for everything; calling her/him names; making her/him feel like she is crazy; threatening her/him.
3: •Financial - making her/him work; not letting her/him work; harassing her/him at work; hiding money and assets; using all the resources for himself/her.
4: •Sexual - raping her/him; forcing her/him into other sexual activity; demeaning her/him sexually.
Myths and Facts on Domestic Violence:
* Myth: Domestic violence only affects certain groups of women/men.
* Fact: Domestic violence affects women/men of all racial, social and economic groups.
* Myth: Domestic violence is caused by alcohol, stress, losing control of one's emotions, or poor communication between couples.
* Fact: Domestic violence is when one person uses power and control over another in an intimate relationship context. Factors such as alcohol abuse or stress may be an excuse for the violence, but do not cause domestic violence.
* Myth: Women/men stay with men/women who are abusive because they have low self-esteem; because they were raised in an abusive home; because they are not educated; or because they enjoy it.
* Fact: Women/men stay because leaving is dangerous and difficult. Women/men actively seek support. They do not always get help when they do pursue it. Studies have shown that when the number of services for women/men have gone up in communities, the number of women/men who kill their abusers goes down.
* Myth: The violence ends when women/men leave.
* Fact: Women/men are more likely to be killed by an abuser while they are leaving or after they have left. Separation violence, stalking and harassment are a real and dangerous part of domestic violence.
Statics:
Did you know that...
* Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the United States - greater than car accidents and muggings combined.
* A woman is battered every 15 seconds in the United States.
* Between 85%-95% of domestic violence victims are women.
* The health related costs of domestic violence exceed $5.8 billion each year.
* Approximately 1 in 3 adolescent girls in the United States is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse in a dating relationship.
* On average 3 to 4 women are killed everyday by their husbands or partners.
The Equality Wheel…
Equality is the basis of a positive relationship between two partners. Each spoke of the wheel (eg. trust, respect, honesty) strengthens the commitment of two people towards a healthy respectful relationship which includes good communication, a safe home, and especially non-violence.
Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence...
Alcohol or drug use is present in an estimated 65 to 80 percent of all domestic violence incidents. Families affected by domestic violence typically experience a higher rate of alcohol and or drug use than families not affected by battering.
violence; however, the violence and abuse may be more severe during use. Domestic violence and substance abuse are two different problems and each requires specialized intervention.do not causeWhile the batterer may blame substance use for the battering, it is important to know that alcohol and drugs
Teen Dating Violence...
Are you involved in a dating relationship that is abusive or is potentially abusive? Ask yourself these questions:
* Is your partner jealous or possessive?
* Does your partner dislike your friends?
* Does your partner not let you have friends?
* Does your partner have a "quick temper"?
* Does your partner have traditional ideas of gender roles?
* Does your partner try to control you or make all the decisions?
* Do you worry about how your partner will react to things you do or say?
* Do you get a lot of negative verbal teasing from your partner?
* Are you comfortable with your partner's "playful" slaps and shoves?
* Does your partner's behavior change if he/she drinks or uses drugs?
* Does your partner pressure you to use drugs or alcohol?
* Do you feel it is your responsibility to make the relationship work?
* Are you afraid of what your partner might do if he/she becomes angry?
* Are you afraid to end the relationship?
* Do you believe your partner will not accept breaking up?
* Does your partner blame you when he/she mistreats you?
Parents: Signs of Dating Violence:
* Your teen has bruises, bite marks, black eyes or other unexplained physical injuries.
* Your teen is unwilling to discuss her or his dating relationship.
* Your teen is withdrawn.
* Your teen is spending a lot of time alone.
If you are the victim of a juvenile batterer:
* Talk to your parents, if you can, or decide which friend, teacher, relative, or police officer you can tell.
* Telephone the Probation Department and ask to speak with the assigned probation officer.
* If the juvenile batterer is appearing in court, you have the right to be notified, to be present in court, to submit a statement to the Court, in person or in writing, and to have a support person present.
* Contact an advocate to help you make a safety plan and to decide if you should get a restraining order.
* As a minor, you can get a restraining order. A judge will decide if your parents should be notified. For help with a restraining order, contact an advocate .
"Red Flags" Of A Battering Personality:
If you are uncertain whether your partner is abusive or if you want to be able to tell at the beginning of the relationship if the other person has the potential to become abusive, there are behaviors you can look for, including the following:
1. JEALOUSY: An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.
2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are "late" coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.
3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many domestic violence victims only knew their abuser for a few months before they were living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming "you're the only person I could ever talk to" and "I've never felt loved like this by anyone". Abusers are generally very charming at the beginning of the relationship. You will be pressured to commit in such a way that later you may feel very guilty if you want to slow down involvement or break up. If you are newly out, be careful; abusers often target those they know are new to the GLBT community because it is a time when you are vulnerable and may not know very many people in the community.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like "if you love me, I'm all you need and you're all I need". You are supposed to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically.
5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a "whore", a "slut" or "cheating". If you are close to family, you're "tied to the apron strings". The abuser will accuses people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can't concentrate on their work. They will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: Abusive people will tell you, "you made me mad" and "I can't help being angry". Although they actually makes the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the "victim" in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people's children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children.
10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to "make up" by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel, this can be seen when the abuser degrades or curses you, belittling any of your accomplishments. They may say accuse you of not being a "real" lesbian or gay man. If you aren't out, they may threaten to out you to family members or your employer. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without them. They may wake you up to verbally abuse you, or not let you go to sleep.
12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Abusers expect the partner to play the "female" role; to serve them, and insists that you obey them in all things. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of everything they have done for you.
13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abuser's sudden changes in mood, and may think it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Many victims feel if their partner would just quit drinking or using drugs, the violence would stop. This is usually not the case. Abusive people continue the abuse, even after they stop using alcohol or drugs, unless they also seek help for their abusive behavior.
14. PAST BATTERING: These people say they have hit a partner in the past, but the previous partner made them do it. You may hear from relatives or ex partners that the person has been abusive. A batterer will beat any person they are with if they are with that person long enough for violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", "I'll break your neck". Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will say "everyone talks like that", or "it didn't mean anything".
16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist or throw objects around. This is not only a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but indicates great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.
17.ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, "You're going to listen to me!".
(adapted)
Thank you for reading,
Info Dogg
Personalized Safety Plan:
Personalized Safety Plan
Your safety is the most important thing. Listed below are tips to help keep you safe. The resources in this book can help you to make a safety plan that works best for you. It is important to get help with your safety plan. Many of the resources listed in this book can help you.
If you are in an abusive relationship, think about...
- Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
- Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
- How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.
- Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
- Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.
- Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
- Going over your safety plan often.
If you consider leaving your abuser, think about...
- Four places you could go if you leave your home.
- People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets.
- Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone.
- Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
- How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave.
- How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
- Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE
Children (if it is safe)
Money
Keys to car, house, work
Extra clothes
Medicine
Important papers for you and your children
Birth certificates
Social security cards
School and medical records
Bankbooks, credit cards
Driver's license
Car registration
Welfare identification
Passports, green cards, work permits
Lease/rental agreement
Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
Insurance papers
PPO, divorce papers, custody orders
Address book
Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you
Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)
8. Think about reviewing your safety plan often.
If you have left your abuser, think about...
- Your safety - you still need to.
- Getting a cell phone. HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.
- Getting a PPO from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
- Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.
- Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
- Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a PPO protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
- Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a PPO that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work.
- Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.
- Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
- Safe way to speak with your abuser if you must.
- Going over your safety plan often.
WARNING: Abusers try to control their victim's lives. When abusers feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave them - the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave. Keep being careful even after you have left.
Domestic Violence Definition:
Definition
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
Examples of abuse include:
- name-calling or putdowns
- keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
- withholding money
- stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
- actual or threatened physical harm
- sexual assault
- stalking
- intimidation
Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel." (As seen in "The Truth About Domestic Violence)
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.
If you are being abused, REMEMBER
- You are not alone
- It is not your fault
- Help is available
Who Are The Victims?
Who Are The Victims?
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.
Since abuse can happen to anyone, all people can have special concerns.
If you are a person of color ...
You may be afraid of prejudice. You may be afraid of being blamed for going out of your community for help.
If you are a lesbian, gay, or transgendered person ...
You may be afraid of having people know about your sexual orientation.
If you are physically or mentally challenged or elderly ...
You may depend on your abuser to care for you. You may not have other people to help you.
If you are a male victim of abuse ...
You may be ashamed and scared that no one will believe you.
If you are from another country ...
You may be afraid of being deported.
If your religion makes it hard to get help ...
You may feel like you have to stay and not break up the family.
If you are a teen ...
You could be a victim of abuse, or at risk if you are dating someone who:
- is very jealous and/or spies on you
- will not let you break off the relationship
- hurts you in any way, is violent, or brags about hurting other people
- puts you down or makes you feel bad
- forces you to have sex or makes you afraid to say no to sex
- abuses drugs or alcohol; pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
- has a history of bad relationships and blames it on others
It is hard for teens to leave their abuser if they go to the same school. They cannot hide. Gay and lesbian teens are very isolated. They can be scared they may have to reveal their sexual orientation.
If you think you are being abused, think about getting help. If your family or friends warn you about the person you are dating, think about getting help. Tell friends, family members or anybody you can trust. Call a resource listed in this book. There is help for you. You do not have to suffer in silence.
If you are a child in a violent home ...
Most children in these homes know about the violence. Parents may think children do not know about the violence, but most of the time they do. Children often know what happened. They can feel helpless, scared and upset. They may also feel like the violence is their fault.
Violence in the home is dangerous for children. Children live with scary noises, yelling and hitting. They are afraid for their parents and themselves. Children feel bad that they cannot stop the abuse. If they try to stop the fight, they can be hurt. They can also be hurt by things that are thrown or weapons that are used. Children are harmed just by seeing and hearing the violence.
Children in violent homes may not get the care they need. A parent who is being abused may be in too much pain to take good care of their child.
Children who live in violent homes can have many problems. They can have trouble sleeping. They can have trouble in school and getting along with others. They often feel sad and scared all the time. They may grow up feeling bad about themselves. These problems do not go away on their own. They can be there even as the child gets older.
There is help for children in violent homes. Call a resource listed in this book to talk to someone. This can also help if you grew up in a violent home.
If you are being stalked ...
Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel scared or upset. A stalker can be someone you know or a stranger. They often bother people by giving them attention they do not want. This can be unwanted phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. It can also be threats to you or your family.
People may think stalking is not dangerous because no one has been physically hurt. Stalking is serious. It is against the law. It often turns to physical violence.
There is help. Find out how to get a Personal Protection Order (PPO). You can also tell the police. You can make a case by keeping track of what the stalker does by:
- telling the police every time the stalker makes contact with you
- keeping a book with you at all times so that you can write down the stalkers contacts
- saving phone messages from the stalker
- saving letters and gifts from the stalker
- writing down information about the stalker, like the way they look, kind of car they drive and license plate number
STALKING IS A CRIME!!
Who Are The Abusers?
Who Are The Abusers?
Abusers are not easy to spot. There is no 'typical' abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family. They often only abuse behind closed doors. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor.
Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, or using drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Abusers have learned to abuse so that they can get what they want. The abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological.
Abusers often have low self-esteem. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence. In most cases, men abuse female victims. It is important to remember that women can also be abusers and men can be victims.
What Is Abuse?
What is Abuse? - A Warning List
Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.
Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.
If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;
- pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
- threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
- threatening suicide to get you to do something
- using or threatening to use a weapon against you
- keeping or taking your paycheck
- puts you down or makes you feel bad
- forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
- keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!
Cycle Of Violence:
Cycle of Violence
Incident
- Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
Tension Building
- Abuser starts to get angry
- Abuse may begin
- There is a breakdown of communication
- Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
- Tension becomes too much
- Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up
- Abuser may apologize for abuse
- Abuser may promise it will never happen again
- Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
- Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm
- Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
- Physical abuse may not be taking place
- Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
- Victim may hope that the abuse is over
- Abuser may give gifts to victim
The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.
It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear.
What Can I Do To Be Safe?
What Can I Do To Be Safe?
Call the police
If you feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time, you can call 911 or your local police.
Consider the following:
- If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.
- They can help you and your children leave your home safely.
- They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.
- They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.
- When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.
- If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.
- If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.
- The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.
- The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.
- Get the officers' names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.
- A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.
Get support from friends and family
Tell your supportive family, friends and co-workers what has happened.
Find a safe place
It is not fair. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes it is the only way you will be safe. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. HAVEN can put you in touch with them.
Get medical help
If you have been hurt, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support. You may ask medical staff to call one for you.
Medical records can be important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.
Special medical concerns
- Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.
- What seems like a small injury could be a big one.
- If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.
- Domestic violence victims can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.
Memory loss
Dizziness
Problems with eyesight
Throwing-up
Headache that will not go away
Get a personal protection order
See Personal Protection Orders
Make a safety plan
Plan what to do before or when you feel unsafe. See Personalized Safety Plan.
Questions About Leaving:
Questions About Leaving
Many victims of domestic violence ask these questions about leaving.
Can I take my children with me when I leave?
- Yes. If you can do it safely, definitely take your children with you. It may be more difficult later.
- Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is very important. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
- If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may have an advantage getting temporary custody.
- Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return.
- If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge.)
Where do I go?
- Stay with a friend or relatives.
- If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. (Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. It could also cause conflict with your abuser.)
- Go to a battered women’s shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
- Or call 911 because it is a good start.
Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.
State Of California PPO & Restraining Order:
Please note that websites you visit may be viewed by someone else later.
Always clear your browsing history after searching the web. Consider using
a public or friend’s computer if you are concerned about someone viewing
your browsing history.
Are You in Danger Now?
If you need help right now, call “911.”
You can also call:
- Your local Domestic Violence Shelter , or
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline :
1-800-799-7233
TDD: 1-800-787-3224
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is abuse or threats of abuse when the person being abused and the abuser are or have been in an intimate relationship (married or domestic partners, are dating or used to date, live or lived together, or have a child together). It is also when the abused person and the abusive person are closely related by blood or by marriage.
The domestic violence laws say “abuse” is:
- Physically hurting or trying to hurt someone, intentionally or recklessly;
- Sexual assault;
- Making someone reasonably afraid that they or someone else are about to be seriously hurt (like threats or promises to harm someone); OR
- Behavior like harassing, stalking, threatening, or hitting someone; disturbing someone’s peace; or destroying someone’s personal property.
The physical abuse is not just hitting. Abuse can be kicking, shoving, pushing, pulling hair, throwing things, scaring or following you, or keeping you from freely coming and going. It can even include physical abuse of the family pets.
Also, keep in mind that the abuse in domestic violence does not have to be physical. Abuse can be verbal (spoken), emotional, or psychological. You do not have to be physically hit to be abused. Often, abuse takes many forms, and abusers use a combination of tactics to control and have power over the person being abused. Read more about domestic violence and abuse .
If you are being abused in any of these ways or you feel afraid or controlled by your partner or someone you are close with, it may help you to talk to a domestic violence counselor, even if you do not want (or are not sure if you want) to ask for legal protection. Find domestic violence resources in your county.
Read about domestic violence laws starting with California Family Code section 6203 . You can find criminal domestic violence laws in the California Penal Code, like Penal Code section 273.5 , Penal Code section 243(e)(1), and others.
Domestic Violence Restraining Orders:
A domestic violence restraining order is a court order that helps protect people from abuse or threats of abuse from someone they have a close relationship with.
You can ask for a domestic violence restraining order if:
- A person has abused (or threatened to abuse) you;
AND
You have a close relationship with that person. You are:
- Married or registered domestic partners,
- Divorced or separated,
- Dating or used to date,
- Living together or used to live together(more than roommates),
- Parents together of a child, OR
- Closely related (parent, child, brother, sister, grandmother, grandfather, in-law).
If you are a parent and your child is being abused, you can also file a restraining order on behalf of your child to protect your child (and you and other family members). If your child is 12 or older, he or she can file the restraining order on his or her own.
If you do not qualify for a domestic violence restraining order, there are other kinds of orders you can ask for:
- Civil harassment restraining order (can be used for neighbors, roommates, coworkers, or more distant family members like cousins, uncle or aunt, etc.). Find more information on getting a civil harassment restraining order.
- Elder or dependent adult abuse restraining order (if the person being abused is 65 or older; or between 18 and 64 and a dependent adult). Find more information on getting an elder or dependent adult abuse restraining order.
- Workplace violence restraining order (filed by an employer to protect an employee from violence, stalking, or harassment by another person). Find more information on getting a workplace violence restraining order.
If you are not sure what kind of restraining order you should get, talk to a lawyer. For help finding a lawyer. Also, your court’s family law facilitator or self-help center may be able to help you. And your local legal services offices may also be able to help you or refer you to someone who can.
What a restraining order CAN do?
A restraining order is a court order. It can order the restrained person to:
- Not contact or go near you, your children, other relatives, or others who live with you;
- Stay away from your home, work, or your children’s schools;
- Move out of your house (even if you live together);
- Not have a gun;
- Follow child custody and visitation orders;
- Pay child support;
- Pay spousal or partner support (if you are married or domestic partners);
- Stay away from any of your pets;
- Pay certain bills; and
- Release or return certain property.
Once the court issues (makes) a restraining order, the order is entered into a statewide computer system (called CLETS) that all law enforcement officers have access to. And your restraining order works anywhere in the United States. If you move out of California, contact your new local police so they will know about your orders.
If you move to California with a restraining order from another state, your restraining order will be valid in California and the police will enforce it. If you want your restraining order to be entered into California’s statewide domestic violence computer system, you can register your order with the court. Fill out and take a Register Out-of-State Restraining Order (CLETS) (Form DV-600) to your local court. Take a certified copy of your order with you. But keep in mind that you are not required to register your out-of-state restraining order. A valid order is enforceable even if you do not register it.
What a restraining order CAN'T do:
A restraining order cannot:
- End your marriage or domestic partnership. It is NOT a divorce.
- Establish parentage (paternity) of your children with the restrained person (if you are not married to, or in a domestic partnership with, him or her).
Read the section Divorce and Legal Separation for information on getting divorced or legally separated.
Read the section Parentage for information on parentage (paternity) when the parents of a child are not married and are not domestic partners.
Effect of a restraining order on the restrained person:
For the person to be restrained, the consequences of having a court order against him or her can be very severe.
- He or she will not be able to go to certain places or to do certain things.
- He or she might have to move out of his or her home.
- It may affect his or her ability to see his or her children.
- He or she will generally not be able to own a gun. (He or she will have to turn in or sell any firearms he or she has, and will not be able to buy a gun while the restraining order is in effect.)
- The restraining order may affect his or her immigration status. If you are worried about this, talk to an immigration lawyer to find out if you will be affected.
If the person to be restrained violates the restraining order, he or she may go to jail, or pay a fine, or both.
Types of Domestic Violence Restraining Orders:
Emergency Protective Order (EPO)
An EPO is a type of restraining order that only law enforcement can ask for by calling a judge. Judges are available to issue EPOs 24 hours a day. So, a police officer that answers a domestic violence call can ask a judge for an emergency protective order at any time of the day or night.
The emergency protective order starts right away and can last up to 7 days. The judge can order the abusive person to leave the home and stay away from the victim and any children for up to a week. That gives the victim of the abuse enough time to go to court to file for a temporary restraining order.
To get an order that lasts longer than an EPO, you must ask the court for a temporary restraining order (also called a “TRO”).
Temporary Restraining Order (TRO)
When you go to court to ask for a domestic violence restraining order, you fill out paperwork where you tell the judge everything that has happened and why you need a restraining order. If the judge believes you need protection, he or she will give you a temporary restraining order.
Temporary restraining orders usually last between 20 and 25 days, until the court hearing date.
“Permanent” Restraining Order
When you go to court for the hearing that was scheduled for your TRO, the judge may issue a “permanent” restraining order. They are not really “permanent” because they usually last up to 3 years.
At the end of those 3 years (or whenever your order runs out), you can ask for a new restraining order so you remain protected.
Criminal Protective Order or “Stay-Away” Order
Sometimes, when there is a domestic violence incident (or series of incidents), the district attorney will file criminal charges against the abuser. This starts a criminal court case going. It is common for the criminal court to issue a criminal protective order against the defendant (the person who is committing the violence and abuse) while the criminal case is going on, and, if the defendant is found guilty or pleads guilty, for 3 years after the case is over.
To learn more about criminal protective orders, read How does a Criminal Protective Order help me? And if there is a criminal protective order against you, read A Criminal Protective Order was issued against me.
The Restraining Order Process:
When someone asks for a domestic violence restraining order in court, they have to file court forms telling the judge what orders they want and why. What happens after that varies a little from court to court, but the general steps in the court case are:
- The person wanting protection files court forms asking for the domestic violence restraining order. There is NO fee to file.
- The judge will decide whether or not to make the order by the next business day. Sometimes the judge decides sooner.
- If the judge grants (gives) the orders requested, he or she will first make “temporary” orders that only last until your court date. The court date will be on the paperwork. These temporary orders can include issues like:
- Ordering the restrained person to stay away and have no contact with the protected person (and other protected people and family pets);
- Child custody;
- Who can use the family home; or
- Who can use other property, like a car.
- The person asking for protection will have to “serve” the other person with a copy of all the restraining order papers before the court date. This means that someone 18 or older (NOT involved in the case) must hand-deliver a copy of all the papers to the restrained person.
- The restrained person has the right to file an answer to the restraining order request, explaining his or her side of the story.
- Both sides go to the court hearing.
- If the protected person does not go to the hearing, the temporary restraining order will usually end that day and there will not be a restraining order.
- If the restrained person does not go to the hearing, he or she will have no input in the case and his or her side of the story will not be taken into account.
- At the hearing, the judge will decide to continue or cancel the temporary restraining order. If the judge decides to extend the temporary order, the “permanent” order may last for up to 5 years.
- If the judge also makes other orders in the restraining order, like child custody or child support orders, these orders will have different end dates and usually will last until the child turns 18 or a judge changes them.
Read Asking for a Domestic Violence Restraining Order for detailed instructions on how to ask for a domestic violence restraining order.
Read Responding to a Domestic Violence Restraining Order for detailed instructions on how to answer a request for a domestic violence restraining order.
Getting Help:
You do not need a lawyer to ask for (or respond to) a restraining order. BUT it is a good idea to have a lawyer, especially if you have children.
The court process can be confusing and intimidating. Both people will have to see each other in court, and both will have to tell the judge details of what happened in a public courtroom. Having a lawyer or (for the protected person) support from domestic violence experts can help make the process easier to handle.
For the person asking for protection
Most cities and counties have domestic violence help centers, shelters, or legal aid agencies that help people ask for a restraining order. These services are usually free or very low cost. If you are the person asking for a restraining order, look for help in your area before you try to do it on your own.
Click for local domestic violence legal help .
Your court’s family law facilitator or self-help center may also be able to help you with the restraining order, or at least with any child support or spousal/partner support issues you may have.
For the person responding to a restraining order
It is more difficult to find free or low-cost legal help if you are responding to a request for a domestic violence restraining order. But you should still try since legal aid agencies have different guidelines, and your local bar association may have a volunteer lawyer program that can help you. Click for help finding a lawyer.
Your court’s family law facilitator or self-help center may also be able to help you respond to the restraining order. If they cannot help with the restraining order, they can at least help you with any child support or spousal/partner support issues you may have.
Other Resources:
For victims of domestic violence
1-800-799-7233
TDD: 1-800-787-3224
Call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They can help you in more than 100 languages. It is free and private.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline links you to the following resources in your community:
Domestic violence sheltersEmergency sheltersLegal helpSocial service programs
The website also provides a lot of information to help you and your children stay safe and get protection.
This site lists help by county, like:
- Women's shelters
- Domestic violence programs
- Victim witness assistance programs
- Counseling services for victims of domestic violence
- Crisis hotlines
- Futures Without Violence
Covers many topics, including information on domestic violence as it relates to health care, immigration, children, and housing.
For child abuse
- Child Protective Services Abuse Reporting Telephone Numbers
List of Child Protective Services abuse reporting telephone numbers for every California county. - LawHelpCalifornia Child Abuse/Neglect
Resources and referrals from California legal aid organizations.
For perpetrators of domestic violence
- California Department of Public Health Violence Prevention Resource Directory
This site lists help by county.
If you need an “approved” batterer intervention program, contact your county probation department. Click here to find your local Probation Department .
For teens in domestic violence situations
- Love: the good, the bad and the ugly
- Date Rape
Posted by the National Crime Prevention Council’s Online Resources Center.
